I am…

still here.

As April made its way into the year I knew I would slow down to get through the one year anniversary, I didn’t realize just how inactive I would become.   Every day I plan to write something here, (I write brilliantly in my mind 🙂 ) and then I don’t know where the day goes.  I do small projects around the house… I do work on line…a few meetings…. a few meet ups… but for the most part I have remained home and quiet and thinking a lot about what my next step is.

A few nights ago I watched the movie A Thousand Words with Eddy Murphy in it.  You know the one, it is where he is an excessive talker, never really connecting with his family, etc. just talking his was through everything until one day he discovers he only has a thousand words left…. well here.. this will explain it better:

This move was one of the free ones I could pick up off of our TV and while I felt the movie looked simple, I figured I could watch it while I finished a few projects on my laptop.

Yes the movie was predictable, however I did walk away with something.  The message that spoke to me loud and clear is that we do not know when we will hit our last one thousand words.  You never know when a conversation you have will be the last one.  I found this movie to not only bring me to tears, but to just remind me how important it is that we choose our words kindly…. not just wisely.  Our attitudes, voices, responses, can change lives… words, as readers, we know are powerful.

Ok…. maybe I took the whole movie a little more seriously than the common viewer.  But that is my take away and with that, I suggest you watch the movie too.

It is sunny in Minnesota today.  I am cleaning the kitchen, making chicken chili, listening to audio, and hopefully catching up on reviews.

Say something or do something kind for someone today.  Try to show them you care without words…

sometimes…

that just means listening.

Happy Sunday.

Its Winter again.

Central Minnesota has a dusting of snow this morning.  That chill is in the air…. it feels like late October when the snow just starts. It is one of those days that I would like to stay home and bury my head in a book but that is not going to happen.

This morning I received a notice in my email about a trilogy coming to a close.  Has anyone read The Passage by Justin Cronin?  This was the BIG title my first year I went to the book expo…. HUGE signs hanging from the ceiling….  I had never hear of Justin Cronin or The Passage but I knew I wanted to know more.

Books like The Passage are so vibrant in detail that you almost can envision what the movie would be like and often, who would play the leading roles.  It makes me think about other books that I have read that I wish would become movies.  Patrick Ness’ Chaos Walking Series….. oh yes please.  Ready Player One – it IS going to be a movie and I am so excited!!!!  I love that our beloved books are becoming movies and it seems to be happening more and more often!  YAY to the authors who had no idea they were also writing movie scripts!

And how about the books that we have read and are becoming movies very soon?  I am personally a fan of movies from books. I like to see what they pull from the story.  I insist on reading the book first in most cases, but I do love a good book/movie.

Here are some of the BIG titles coming our way:

The Girl On The Train  (I did not love this book as much as others… not sure if I will go this one)

Me Before You by Jo Jo Moyes (Oh heck yeah…. this one will be an all book club event I hope!)

Allegiant (out in theaters now and I have yet to see it…. but I also have yet to read the book.  GAH.  Behind.)

The Lost City Of Z (sounds good and have not read it)

The Light Between Oceans by ML Stein

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness (I have not read this one yet….but now I must!)

Silence by Shusaku Endo (this book was recommended to me a long time ago….I bought and still have not read it.)

The Circle by Dave Eggers (bugga – another one I need to read!)

The Zookeepers Wife – YES!

Looking For Alaska (oh yes…… John Green.)

The 5th Wave (I have not read this… should I?)

Miss Peregrines Home For Particular Children (OOH looks good… I have the book, need to read it)

Inferno by Dan Brown (YES!!!!!! Excited about this one! I must say however as much as I adore Tom Hanks, he is not the right actor for the Dan Brown Langdon books)

 

So how about it?  What books have you read recently that you would love to see become a movie?  In your mind who is playing the protagonist?  AND what books that are becoming movies are you excited to see?

It, as predicted, has been a week.

Monday was the one year anniversary of Justin’s accident.  I had set my mind that I wanted to do something positive with the day, something to honor his memory.  I had big ideas weeks out; making cookies for the senior center, helping out at the soup kitchen…  and then I put on the brakes.  I knew for this first year I could not line up a lot of things for me to do… I just needed to BE.

SO instead, my friend Amy came over in the morning and had coffee with me.  She and I worked in the book room re-shelving books and organizing.  We talked, shared, laughed, cried.  My friend Kerri brought over flowers and lunch. My friend Brenda brought me a prayer shawl and banana bread.  It was all so sweet.  In the afternoon when I was alone I took a nap, already emotionally exhausted from it being THE DAY.  When Al came home he and I had a glass of wine with dinner and started reading through all the wonderful cards we had received last year.  At the time of that initial reading everything was a blur and we were just going through the motions.  This time, we read what people said out loud, we shared with each other who the people were and we just talked.  It was really quite perfect.

The only thing I did plan for the day was the end of it.  Last year when Al and I drove home from the St Paul hospital and pulled into our driveway at 9:30 pm exhausted beyond words and shattered, three cars were waiting in our driveway.  My friends Amy, Heidi, and Wendy (along with Amy’s husband, Chad) were waiting for us.  They had filled our frig with things we would need over the next coming days.  They filled a large cooler with ice and water bottles, and they had waited to be there to share in this enormous grief.  On Monday,  I invited the three women over to end that April 4th anniversary with.  They came over at 8 pm and we drank wine in the book room and talked until 11:30 pm that night.  It was a perfect way to end the day and my heart is forever thankful for these wonderful strong women in my life who showed up again… a year later to hold me up.

♥

Switching gears to the title of this post.  I had mentioned a few weeks ago that I thrown my name in the hat for Audio Book Blogger of the year.  I thought I could at least give it a try.  You all know I love audio and although I have been sporadic in my posts this past year, I still entered. 

I did not win.

However, someone who I know personally and I room with at BEA did win….. Candace from Beth Fish Reads is the winner of two tickets to this years Audi Awards..

The winning blogger will receive two tickets to the 2016 Audies Gala (valued at $700) and recognition of their award at the Gala. Known as “the Oscars of the audiobook world,” the 2016 Audies Gala will be held on May 11th in Chicago and emceed by Paula Poundstone. 

Ummmm….. yeah….

two tickets.

I am her plus one.

YES!

Congratulations to my friend and fellow blogger!!!  If you are not familiar with her website you should be.  She writes excellent reviews and yes, she reviews a lot of audio.  Check her out at Beth Fish Reads (and while you are there be sure to tell her congratulations!)

 

 

 

April.

It is so odd to look back at posts here and on Facebook from a year ago.  Everything was so exciting.  I was so ready to conquer the world.  Now as I come around full circle to these last days of true happiness, I have to look at them with a sort of bitter-sweet fondness…. they were after all my final days with my son.

I am going to post here exactly what I posted on my Facebook page this morning.

Why do I say these things out loud and publicly?  Because it helps me to say it out loud…. here is what was.  Here is what I had.  Here is what I remember.  Here is what I will not let go.  I have found over the past year that it is easier on me to say things out loud in a way that I can reach many at once, rather than answer the same questions over and over again…. How are you?  How long has it been?  We are getting close to a year right?  You were with him shortly before the accident?

I know everyone means well and I am so thankful that people continue to talk about Justin.  I know I have much to be thankful for.

It was a year ago today this photo was taken. I was in St Paul to do an interview on April 2nd with Scott Eastwood and Brit Robertson for The Longest Ride movie. I met up with Justin at 3 pm on April 1st and we hung out in his new apartment for awhile and he showed me around, I even took pictures because I thought it was so cool.
He then took me out to dinner at a place called Dixies. He thought that was pretty funny because he knows my odd repulsion for all things County and Cowboy. We talked about everything. He told me about how amazing this recent trip to Honduras was and how he originally thought it would be his last trip, “But mom, I don’t think I can stop going, it is so important to me.” We talked about his upcoming plans with Heather the next night for the WILD game and he was so excited about that. We talked about the book he had just finished, Girl On The Train. We talked about how Branden was doing and he was so proud of his friend. He told me about his new tattoo (you can see it in the picture) that came form a devotion that really spoke to him in Honduras.It is written in Spanish but it means “Set my heart on fire, let me soul be free”. We talked about his plan for the year, he already had several trips lined up including our annual trip in November to Harry Potter World.
We went to the pre-showing of the movie The Longest Ride and we both had to admit it was better than we thought it would be. After the movie ended Scott Eastwood and Brit Robertson came from behind the screen as a surprise. Justin was thrilled! We joked how cool it would be if the actors always came out after a movie ended and said,”Well, how did we do?”
Justin grabbed his phone and said, “Mom! We have to commemorate the moment!” And he took this picture.
After the movie we went and seen Saraya at her work. Then we went back to his apartment and watched Netflix – the entire season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt which I had recently watched myself at home and told Justin it was pretty funny. We were up until 2 am until I could not keep my eyes open. It was always like that when we were together… I think I always felt his age when I was around him.
The next morning Justin made me coffee in his Harry Potter mug while I worked on a contract for a client on my lap top. At noon, I had to leave for the interview. Justin helped me carry everything out to my car, we hugged, we said I love you…
and I drove away.
I did not have a clue that this would be the last moments with my son. I did not know that within three days I would be standing in my kitchen numb with the most intense pain of my life.
BUT… I did have those 21 hours. 21 hours of laughter, and sharing, eating and talking and watching a crazy show on Netflix. I know the last book my son read, the last movie he seen, and the last show he watched on tv. I know he was forward thinking and had plans… he always had amazing plans.
And I would not trade that time…. THIS MEMORY for anything.

Thursday and I made it!

I had commitments for days from Saturday run arounds, Sunday Easter-Get-Through-It, Monday trivia night with friends, Tuesday Library time and Wine and Words start-up meeting, and Wednesday City Library Board meeting.  Now I have 4 days of calm that I have purposely left open and non-committal as I make my way towards the one year mark.  These next days will be days of last time memories (tomorrow will mark 1 year since I went to stay with Justin in his apartment the night before the interview with Scott Eastwood), these are the anniversaries of the last time I seen my son and as painful as they are, I would not trade them for the world.  I had this time with him…..  it was because of this blog that I was there.  Crazy…. but true.

But this…. is not supposed to be about that.

I am instead talking about the joy of books.  You may remember that I have mentioned that last summer when my Mom’s Sister had knee surgery I brought her a basket of books, magazines, movies, and snacks to pass the time while she was healing.  It was then that she and I bonded over books.  I did not know she was a dormant reader…. someone who had always enjoyed reading but with life and other commitments had moved away from it.  Since that time last summer, I meet up with her every couple of weeks and I bring her new books she may enjoy and we discuss the ones she read.  It is a coffee date and a book club for two.

Over the past few weeks with my schedule I had been unable to connect with her.  Then last week she had surgery on the other knee.  Yesterday, I went through the book room choosing books for her recovery time.  At first, I was picking up books that I felt would stretch her a bit, they were not the normal genres that I bring her, and some were books that I had not yet read myself…

and then my eyes landed on The Fault In Our Stars and I could not help but smile.  I wondered if she would enjoy dabbling into a brilliantly written YA read.  And from there I seen my row of books from Claire Cook and my smile broadened.  She had enjoyed Mary Kay Andrews, Dorthea Benton Frank, and Elin Hilderbrand’s books.  I knew she would adore Claire Cook.

When I came home yesterday after my visit with my Aunt and Uncle as well as the book delivery, there was a package in the mail.  As I was opening it I felt a lump in the book and thought that our mailman had again squished a book into the box and bent it… but no, that was not it.  The lump was a luggage tag and it went with the book that was in the package:

The word that came out of my mouth when I seen what had been delivered was “Fun!”  I love the little extras that publishing houses do and now this book is calling to me.  I have one I am in the middle of, and just finished an audio book this morning so soon Mary Kay Andrews, soon I will join you to busy my mind with others lives and happenings…. the joy of books.  ♥

I woke up to a chill in the air and a sprinkling of snow on the ground.

It is nothing that a little sunshine won’t cure, yet as I drink my coffee and look out the window it feels appropriate to my mood.

It is once again the day before Easter.  Last year this day before Easter was the worst day of my life.  It is weird now to have to go through Easter a 2nd time before we hit the one year anniversary of the accident.   I am still not ready to do family holidays.

So what will tomorrow entail?  I honestly do not know at this time.  I talked to my older son yesterday after he posted this on Facebook:

I Love My Brother.

It breaks my heart to know he is hurting, and really – we are all hurting.  There is nothing I can do to take away the pain and the great loss. Instead as a family, we hobble along, trying to make it work a little lopsided where once we were four and now we are three.

I absolutely hate that.

Today I will look in the paper and see what brunches are happening in the area.  I am still not ready to sit down like a family at the table like we used to for holidays, the absence to too raw and Al and Brad get that.  I will find us some place to eat, and maybe something to do – like a movie or bowling, or maybe come back here and play board games…

I don’t know and I am not ready.

Time is a crazy thing.  I can not even believe it has been a year.  I look around and feel like I have lost time.  I am sure I have.  I am not the same… I am a sadder version of me.  I can laugh and talk and do all I used to do but there is a new undercurrent always running through me… a profound sadness I imagine will always linger in some form or another.

I have friends that will be having a wonky Easter too – due to jobs, and grown children out of town they are not really doing much either.  In an odd way I take comfort in that we are not the only family trying to make it through another day.

 

As for you all my Blog connections…. I hope that your Easter is a wonderful one.  Enjoy and cherish every moment whatever you do with your day.

 

Mmmmmm COFFEE.

And… the sun is out.

Good start to the day.

It seems odd to be sitting here enjoying a cup of coffee, seeing the sun, and typing away on my laptop here.  The past few weeks there was little to none of that.  I feel as though I have hurtled through the Spring Book Sale, jumped through a flaming hoop to run the marathon to Gatsby, and sprinted to  a board meeting in St Cloud on Saturday.

Now…

its quiet.

I like it.

Sure there are things still happening.  I am sending out a letter to attendees of Gatsby about our Friends group.  Hey, we are fun, they need to know it. 🙂  This afternoon I am helping clean up empty boxes from the book sale and bringing them back to the library to fill again for the next sale.  This is all minimal though and I am truly thankful.  This weekend will be Easter.  My first “second” without Justin.  It sort of snuck up on me.  It is, as Easter tends to be, ahead of the one year anniversary.  Last year, Easter was the day after the accident…. this year it is before and will be a sort of emotional kick off I think, to the actual date.  That week, was full of Justin activity, because I was with him and those memories are flying at me in full color and I do not want to ever let them go.  I think I need to write down what those days were like with him, those amazing days that turned out to be our final days….but they were so good and I am SO THANKFUL for them.

I am taking a little more time to READ these days, while I am listening to audio throughout my day, at night I have been opening up a book, finding solace in the pages of someone elses story.  I recently flew through We All Looked Up (review later today), and The Total Package ( book tour later this month).  Currently I am reading Lucky Me by Aba Kapur for another book release.  I am also LISTENING….. I just finished Shopaholic To The Rescue, and am currently listening to NURSE by Lee Gutkind and narrated by Tavia Gilbert on my phone, and listening to A Touch Of Stardust by Kate Alcott and narrated by Cassandra Campbell.