I woke up to a chill in the air and a sprinkling of snow on the ground.
It is nothing that a little sunshine won’t cure, yet as I drink my coffee and look out the window it feels appropriate to my mood.
It is once again the day before Easter. Last year this day before Easter was the worst day of my life. It is weird now to have to go through Easter a 2nd time before we hit the one year anniversary of the accident. I am still not ready to do family holidays.
So what will tomorrow entail? I honestly do not know at this time. I talked to my older son yesterday after he posted this on Facebook:
I Love My Brother.
It breaks my heart to know he is hurting, and really – we are all hurting. There is nothing I can do to take away the pain and the great loss. Instead as a family, we hobble along, trying to make it work a little lopsided where once we were four and now we are three.
I absolutely hate that.
Today I will look in the paper and see what brunches are happening in the area. I am still not ready to sit down like a family at the table like we used to for holidays, the absence to too raw and Al and Brad get that. I will find us some place to eat, and maybe something to do – like a movie or bowling, or maybe come back here and play board games…
I don’t know and I am not ready.
Time is a crazy thing. I can not even believe it has been a year. I look around and feel like I have lost time. I am sure I have. I am not the same… I am a sadder version of me. I can laugh and talk and do all I used to do but there is a new undercurrent always running through me… a profound sadness I imagine will always linger in some form or another.
I have friends that will be having a wonky Easter too – due to jobs, and grown children out of town they are not really doing much either. In an odd way I take comfort in that we are not the only family trying to make it through another day.
As for you all my Blog connections…. I hope that your Easter is a wonderful one. Enjoy and cherish every moment whatever you do with your day.
Book Journey 
Sheila, you and your family remain in my thoughts & prayers. Such a difficult journey in unchartered waters. Your words are a very powerful force that I hope gives you an outlet & some comfort. Surely your beloved Justin is proud of his Mama’s strength, compassion, and deep love. God bless.
Thank you, Sheila…all I can say is how sad I am for you…take care…
I completely understand why you feel as you do, Sheila. I’m not a fan of holidays for many reasons, something like this being one of them 😦
Even if it doesn’t involve a loss of someone through death, life and circumstances changed, just as it does for kids college going to college, and certainly once they get married and, of course, as we all get older, the way we do holidays and who we do them with will inevitably change. Maybe an answer for you would be to really change it up—don’t keep it as the three of you, maybe syncretize with another family of relatives or friends or someone who tends to spend holidays alone or more quiet than they prefer. It’s soon for you, but maybe it’s a way to start thinking in order to readjust? oxox
I am sorry this weekend is so hard. 😦 I can’t even imagine! Thinking of you!
Sheila,
May you find peace as you navigate through life without your son. I understand the feeling of holidays. Even though my Dad has been gone for years, Easter is a sad time for me as he died on Easter weekend. Regardless of it falling in March or April the feeling is the same. Walk close with the ones you love and know that Justin is there with you.
The anniversaries that come, one by one, reminding us of what once was…those are the most difficult, aren’t they? I hope for peace and comfort in the holiday ahead.
Sheila, I am thinking of you and your family at this very difficult time of remembrance. Sending prayers and hugs your way. ❤
A Blessed Easter to you, and though you don’t feel you can celebrate the holiday, at least you will have your family around you in this melancholy time. Thinking of you and yours…
I hate that you’re having to go through it too. I’m sending hugs your way.
My thoughts and prayers as always are with you today and every day.
HUGS, Sheila.
Thinking of you and keeping you all in my prayers.
You’re all in my thoughts, Sheila.
Sheila, You are in my thoughts. Enjoy the day with your family.
I’ve been thinking about you this weekend xoxoxo
Can I also say that your experiences over the last year has added an emotional depth and clarity to your writing. I hope that writing these pieces gives you some peace of mind, but they’re also turning into an insightful, heartfelt & even beautiful guide to grief that could be helpful to others.
I don’t know you, but I understand you. My son is serving in Iraq and has been gone since September. All the holidays we have missed have been heartbreaking, but I remind myself every day that he is still walking this earth. He returns to us at the end of May, and I will be so relieved. Although I don’t know you personally, I hear you! Your posts mean so much to me.
Happy Easter!
You are, as always, in my thoughts. ❤
You can only do what you are, each of you, ready to do at any time. Maybe you will never do things the way you used to when there were four of you but eventually you will make a new “normal.”