I woke up to a chill in the air and a sprinkling of snow on the ground.
It is nothing that a little sunshine won’t cure, yet as I drink my coffee and look out the window it feels appropriate to my mood.
It is once again the day before Easter. Last year this day before Easter was the worst day of my life. It is weird now to have to go through Easter a 2nd time before we hit the one year anniversary of the accident. I am still not ready to do family holidays.
So what will tomorrow entail? I honestly do not know at this time. I talked to my older son yesterday after he posted this on Facebook:
I Love My Brother.
It breaks my heart to know he is hurting, and really – we are all hurting. There is nothing I can do to take away the pain and the great loss. Instead as a family, we hobble along, trying to make it work a little lopsided where once we were four and now we are three.
I absolutely hate that.
Today I will look in the paper and see what brunches are happening in the area. I am still not ready to sit down like a family at the table like we used to for holidays, the absence to too raw and Al and Brad get that. I will find us some place to eat, and maybe something to do – like a movie or bowling, or maybe come back here and play board games…
I don’t know and I am not ready.
Time is a crazy thing. I can not even believe it has been a year. I look around and feel like I have lost time. I am sure I have. I am not the same… I am a sadder version of me. I can laugh and talk and do all I used to do but there is a new undercurrent always running through me… a profound sadness I imagine will always linger in some form or another.
I have friends that will be having a wonky Easter too – due to jobs, and grown children out of town they are not really doing much either. In an odd way I take comfort in that we are not the only family trying to make it through another day.
As for you all my Blog connections…. I hope that your Easter is a wonderful one. Enjoy and cherish every moment whatever you do with your day.