Tag: Morning Meanderings

I did not send out Christmas Cards this year so consider this our Christmas card.
I look outside at the silent whiteness and feel a great emptiness. Loss can be all-consuming and I waiver on the blurry edges of this new world and the one I had. My heart longs to go back and have a do over. I want to change things and put things the way they were but the pieces of this puzzle fall between my fingers as I try to hold tightly to the past that I wish so much was the present and the future.
In this new world I see friendship differently. I see life lines. I see compassion. I see those who have stepped up and those who have stepped back… and I understand both sides. The rose-colored glasses are off and my world is at times painfully real.
I don’t want this to be a sad message. I want it to be one of hope. For whatever reason, my time here on this earth remains. I don’t necessarily want… I would readily trade it – but it seems that is not meant to be.
And with that I look cautiously towards this new uncertain world. I cannot will not let go of what was. It is too much engraved in this beating heart and to take that away – would stop this heart forever. However, I can look at the blessings sprinkled throughout this new world. The connections with Justin’s friends, the courageous people I have met with their own stories of loss, the people and community who have held us a little closer, the ability to see somewhat of a path I hope to travel that will honor my son for all the years I have left until I can be with him again.
This post is not going as I planned.
What I want to say is this.
THIS Christmas, share a little more of you. DO something kind for a stranger. BE a little more open. Hug a little longer, laugh a little louder, and LOVE with all you have.
NEVER NEVER take any moment for granted. Each memory is precious so open your eyes to it and embrace each day for all it is worth. Your memories are treasures and you have the power to build on them. SO build.
Merry Christmas.
The DeChantal’s….. Al, Sheila, Brad, and Justin….. ALWAYS

 

My attendance at this site has been spotty at best this year.  When I think “I am back”, I am not back.  I write reviews in my head for hours after I read a book… what I will say, what funny punch line I will give…. but for whatever reason I don’t sit down and review it.  I hope that changes soon.  I am still here.  I still want to be that voice on this page that talks books and life and heartbreak and finding my way… and I hope you will all continue to stop in and see me here in 2016. ♥

I went on a little break after Thanksgiving.

I packed up my bag, my books, my laptop, and my dog, and drove to the cabin this past Sunday afternoon through Thursday afternoon.  It was a trip to get away after the hard holiday and regroup for what is next.

The first evening and through Monday my friend Belinda joined me and we talked and read and hung out wayyyyyyy to long waiting for the cable guy to show up and connect the internet but that is another story and we made the best of it.  🙂  Monday evening (once freed from the Cable Guy) we drove into Beaver Bay Minnesota and had dinner and then drove to Two Harbors Minnesota to go to Shopco (the only retail store they have).  On our way back from Shopco we seen these two floaty guys and could not resist…

 

 

The next morning we were hit with a lot of snow so Belinda drove back into Two Harbors and had lunch at a nice place called the Vanilla Bean before she headed back to the cities to beat the weather.

Then after she left, I drove back to the cabin to spend a few days alone.  I just needed a break to refresh and I knew if I was at home I would have been running around doing what I always do, worrying about what was for dinner…

and I just didn’t want to.

The snow, which I never like – was actually somewhat symbolic.  It seemed, once it blanketed the ground… that it muffled everything… like it almost became more

quiet.

And that spoke to me.

 

I spent the next two days reading and napping, hiking with my dog, watching movies…. just being. It was good.  I plan to do something similar after Christmas.

8 months have passed as of yesterday.  I spend a lot of time thinking about that day, and the days before when I had been with Justin.  With the heartbreak, there is a mix of thankfulness for the time we had together.  I know in many ways I was lucky.  My son and I were so close.  I will miss and cherish that forever.

I am searching for my new normal every day.  I am not sure as of yet what that will look like but I have some ideas of who I hope I am.

I am linking this post to Saturday Snapshot.

 

Another day.

I am looking out my window this morning.  If you don’t look at the ground (which I can not see from my spot at the kitchen table) it looks like fall.  Blue skies.  Crispy leaves still hanging on the trees.  I can not see the frost on the grass from this spot and I like that.  Let’s keep believing winter is not coming.  SO far…. that has worked.

One thing for certain – no matter what is going on in someone’s life – whatever heartbreaks they are enduring or mountains they are struggling with …. the sun does rise every single day.

Today I am leaving for our cabin.  I am taking a mini break to clear my head from the past 7 months and prepare for the next big upcoming holiday that sits ever present at the corners of my mind.  I have not spent any time really alone through all of this and I feel that I need to do a little of that.  Later today my friend Belinda will join me until Tuesday and possibly Farrah.  I hope if it is not too cold to do a little hiking, a camp fire, hang out, watch movies…  another friend may join in at some time as well.  When they leave I will spend time reading, writing, and BREATHING.  I am not sure how many days I will do that but plan to stay until Thursday or Friday.  Maybe Saturday….

 

Recently when looking for audio to download I thought I wanted something non fiction.  I do love a good non fiction listen.  Yet when I went on Audible nothing was catching my attention in that genre.  Instead… I went a different route and chose these two:

Both of these books on audio were excellent!  In If You Only Knew,  letting go of her ex-husband turned out to be harder than Jenny thought it would be – especially when the ex’s new wife is sweet and adorable and wants to be Jenny’s best friend.  When Jenny moves into a new apartment to open her own business she finds she has her hands full with her sisters marriage problems, her mother’s constant undermining, and oh yeah… the good looking guy downstairs.

With After I Do, after a fairy tale like romance Lauren is stunned when Ryan says he needs time apart from her.  She is further shocked when he says he wants a year apart and no contact to see where they are at.  Burying herself in her work and family activities to keep her mind off Ryan, Lauren learns things about herself she did not know were there.

I plan on chatting about them over the next couple of days – but seriously, if you are looking for fun audio – these were great.  now…. I want more like this.  Great audio listening is a good way to keep my mind busy while doing other things.

That’s my Sunday.  I am out – ROAD TRIP means audio. Got to like that. 😉

It looks like snow weather this morning.  The skies are hazy.  The ground is still covered with morning frost as I type from the comfort of my warm home with a delicious cup of coffee within reach.

Life Is Hard.

I can feel the presence of the upcoming holiday.  My mind flashes to “Thanksgiving Past” with the boys and lots of food and board games and movies.  This is about the time I would be sending out the group text for Brad and Justin to tell me what they wanted.  Inevitably there would be requests for shrimp cocktail, blue cheese and grape salad,  mashed potatoes….  last year Justin and I were destroying the kitchen making 25 pumpkin rolls for friends and family…. there was powdered sugar everywhere…

instead I am planning on how to get through it with the least emotional damage as possible.

Cursing the pilgrims has become a daily ritual.

And today is a good friend of mine’s father’s birthday.  Her father passed away a couple of months ago and I know today is one of those days for her as well…. a day of reflection mixed with loss.  And the list of those who have lost this year, or past years where holidays are just HARD is endless.  I know.

Last night I had a little mini break.

A group of us went out for what was called the “best Bloody Mary” in the area…  more important than the draw of the drink – was of course the people.  I spend most of my time at home now and getting out is good for me as I fear that someday I will just become socially awkward.  Perhaps… I already have.  😉

I only stayed a couple of hours but it was nice just to be with friends.  Around that group there was other loss… other struggles and we all just needed a moment to laugh, to share.

Today. I am making white chicken chili for the Library decorating group that is meeting at noon to give the library a holiday feel.  I am also making calico beans for the football game later where we will go to a friends home and eat good food and watch the game.  (Well… some will watch the game… I am going more for the chance to hang out with friends).

And isn’t that life?

It is hard.  Every single day. But… as a friend told me recently… I am doing it.  I get up every morning and while that may not seen like a big accomplishment.  It is.  I take the little victory’s along the way.

 

 

P.S.  In case someone is curious about the bloody mary.  I don’t know if it was “the best” but it was very good and sure came with an impressive array of goodies which is really the sell for me.  Shrimp, salami, pepperoni, pickled mushroom, green olive, black olive, artichoke, peppercini, asparagas, carrot, cocktail onion, green bean, sweet pickle – even an orange slice!