It looks like snow weather this morning. The skies are hazy. The ground is still covered with morning frost as I type from the comfort of my warm home with a delicious cup of coffee within reach.
Life Is Hard.
I can feel the presence of the upcoming holiday. My mind flashes to “Thanksgiving Past” with the boys and lots of food and board games and movies. This is about the time I would be sending out the group text for Brad and Justin to tell me what they wanted. Inevitably there would be requests for shrimp cocktail, blue cheese and grape salad, mashed potatoes…. last year Justin and I were destroying the kitchen making 25 pumpkin rolls for friends and family…. there was powdered sugar everywhere…
instead I am planning on how to get through it with the least emotional damage as possible.
Cursing the pilgrims has become a daily ritual.
And today is a good friend of mine’s father’s birthday. Her father passed away a couple of months ago and I know today is one of those days for her as well…. a day of reflection mixed with loss. And the list of those who have lost this year, or past years where holidays are just HARD is endless. I know.
Last night I had a little mini break.
A group of us went out for what was called the “best Bloody Mary” in the area… more important than the draw of the drink – was of course the people. I spend most of my time at home now and getting out is good for me as I fear that someday I will just become socially awkward. Perhaps… I already have. 😉
I only stayed a couple of hours but it was nice just to be with friends. Around that group there was other loss… other struggles and we all just needed a moment to laugh, to share.
Today. I am making white chicken chili for the Library decorating group that is meeting at noon to give the library a holiday feel. I am also making calico beans for the football game later where we will go to a friends home and eat good food and watch the game. (Well… some will watch the game… I am going more for the chance to hang out with friends).
And isn’t that life?
It is hard. Every single day. But… as a friend told me recently… I am doing it. I get up every morning and while that may not seen like a big accomplishment. It is. I take the little victory’s along the way.
P.S. In case someone is curious about the bloody mary. I don’t know if it was “the best” but it was very good and sure came with an impressive array of goodies which is really the sell for me. Shrimp, salami, pepperoni, pickled mushroom, green olive, black olive, artichoke, peppercini, asparagas, carrot, cocktail onion, green bean, sweet pickle – even an orange slice!
Book Journey 
Dear Sheila,
My heart goes out to you every time you post something about the loss of your son. Someone once told me that losing a child creates a hole in your life that never goes away, but that, in time, you learn to walk around it. I have followed your journey as you have begun to learn how to walk around the hole in your life that Justin’s loss created, You have made progress. You will get there. Your strength is an inspiration. Sincerely, M.L. Malcolm
Thank you M.L. for this. I believe what you are told is right about the hole in my life and those that have lost a child. It is different from the other losses in my life – way different and I am broken in a way I never have been before. Being a studdorn Irish girl and knowing my son would be so sad if I changed my life I try ever day to move and connect and fight through. My son inspired me to be strong when he was with me – I will do everything I can to remain strong while waiting to be with him again.
Sending you hugs and lots of love this week, Sheila. I know that this time of year will be tough and I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I think there’s no right way to grieve – you have to do what you think is right and it seems that you are finding your way in this new normal. It’s not easy and it sure doesn’t feel right, but it is and I think the fact that you are able to share what you are feeling with us is a good thing. Know that we are all here to hold you up and will provide whatever support you need from us…
Xo, Kristin
Crazy how a day can affect someone…. I dread Thanksgiving and at the same time I am trying not to give it the power to do so. Yes the holidays will be hard I was always with Justin on Thanksgiving and Christmas – I don’t believe he ever missed one.
You do support me just by listening when I put something out there like this. Sometimes I just need to write it out and knowing there are people around the world caring and praying for me and my family is comforting. Thank you Kristin.
Holidays are very difficult after a huge loss like yours…but focusing on who you still have in your life helps, and friends can be a wonderful support in these times.
Over the years, I have lost a sibling, a niece, and a nephew…and the children I have are not often around during the holidays. One in Europe, one having difficult challenges of his own….and then there are two more, who help me get through it all. But losing a child the way you have is the ultimate loss…and I grieve along with you.
When we have children, our greatest fear is losing them. We must focus on each day…and try to get through. And cling to our memories, too. Here’s hoping you will find a way through….
Thank you Laurel. My friend and family have been everything through this – the way our community has loved on us has been truly incredible. Thanks God for good people in our life.
I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you over the holidays.
Hugs and prayers for you every day.
Your chicken chili sounds good.
Thanks Elizabeth, it is a favorite around here. 🙂
Thank you Kathy. Safe travels if you are on the go 🙂
My best wishes. Stay strong and take it one day at a time.
That is all I can do. Thank you. 🙂
Sheila, you remain in our thoughts and prayers as the holidays approach. I’m glad that you have many good friends and a loving family to help you through this. I hope that their company will bring you comfort and joy.
The white chicken chili sounds delicious! Here’s to a good week ahead. 🙂
Thank you Suko. We really have been blessed through this time with good people in our life.
Thank you for sharing your experience and allowing us to think about you and pray for you. Please know that there are lots of people who care so much about you. Wishing you peach and comfort during this holiday season.
Thank you Jana. That is very kind of you.
I hope the holidays bring you and your family time to remember, laugh, and cry together with others who are also missing Justin. You are brave and strong, and can get through this time, too, I know! Thinking of you so often, and I want to thank you too for sharing your sadness and your memories of all the good times.
I have been told by others who have gone through this that the anticipation of the holiday or significant date is worse than the actual date….. I hope so. This agonizing over a day that I can not stop from coming is emotionally exhausting.
Sheila, my heart breaks for you with every passing day, every event. If I could ease your pain I would, but we both know this is something you have to go through. Will it get easier as time goes on? Yes, and no. Some days are harder than others, some years are harder than others. Just know, every step of the way I’m there holding your hand and willing strength to get you through. As ever, my thoughts and prayers are coming your way. Love and hugs to you, Al, and Brad.
The holidays are going to hard, but you have family and friends who love you. Lean on them/us.
Holidays and anniversary dates are so difficult, but I think the days leading up to them can be just as distressing, if not even more so than the actual day. I hope you were able to enjoy the festivities of Thanksgiving and I wish you peace in the coming weeks as Christmas draws near. Our Christmas traditions have changed dramatically since the loss of our daughter over 10 years ago. We all do what we have to do to survive these emotional landmines, but we keep on living and loving and laughing. Thinking of you…
I wasn’t feeling well and missed a lot of posts in my reader so I am just now getting around to commenting, but I think about you all the time. I love that you share all these memories with us, too. Hang in there and as others have said here, just keep the memories alive and lean on us when you have to.