Tag: Morning Meanderings

Imagine taking all your emotions – everything you could possibly feel and putting them in a blender.

That’s the way I feel.

I can not even believe it has been 100 days since I lost my beautiful son.  It is a crazy mixed up world we live in and I struggle daily trying to find my fit in it – the commitments, the want to’s, the things I say “Yeah!  I want to do that!” when the old me peaks out for a second and then later I am horrified that I agreed to do something that I know is too much for me to take on.

I am up.  I am down.

I am mostly down.

After my last post about my friend Connie my emotional gauge has been off the charts.  I do what I need to do to get through the day.  I make the connections I need to and when the day is done I am home, exhausted physically and emotionally, a bundle of mixed feelings – glad I accomplished something… overwhelming sadness lying just under the surface, tired… so tired.

Connie, as of this morning is the same.  I will stop by this morning and check on her.  Yesterday we ran the Color Run for Justin.  is team that he started working on in March.  We finished it and 21 of us ran the 5k in Justins memory.  As you can imagine it was an amazing and horrible thing all rolled into one.  I am so thankful for his friends and mine, so glad that they pushed on to do this – and so sad knowing Justin would have been amazed at the friends who gathered to run for him.  Ridiculous is the word that comes to mind… it is ridiculous that I am typing such a thing and he is gone.

and then last night…. a big storm hit Minnesota:

I love this tree.  I have a sweet pic of the boys climbing up in it when they were young.  I think we can save part of it and I hope it will grow back again.

Still here.

Good morning.

Thursday already.  I feel like this week has been a cluster of activity that fits in so many different areas of my life that I feel like it is a box of puzzle pieces that have been dumped on the table to sort, turn, and try to find their place.

Life.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, my good friend Connie is in the hospital for what looks to be the last time. I have been spending time with her usually twice a day morning and evening.  Between that I am working on my house projects, company, commitments, and two three events coming up fast – the Color Run, the Camp Bike Ride and Wine and Words shortly after.  I definitely feel whelmed all the while with my own grief just bubbling below the surface.

I have been too tired to read lately although I do try.  The same book has followed me from the bed stand to the living room several times throughout each day but I never get to opening it.  I have been listening to audio while working in the yard, mowing the lawn, and writing addresses on cards I need to mail.

I am anxious for life to slow down again.

What a weekend.

Originally I was supposed to go to the cabin on Sunday with my good friend Belinda and we were going to hang out and bike until Tuesday afternoon.  I freed up my schedule and thought it would be a nice little break.  When Mater had surgery on Wednesday the plans changed as I had “dog care duties” and instead I invited Belinda to come hang out with me here in Brainerd and we could bike around here, grill, and maybe have use the fire pit.

Sunday morning (my last meandering post) I was out delivering strawberry cobbler to the neighbors when I received the call.  My good friend Connie had been struggling with her health all year and it seems that things were taking a turn for the worst.  Friends and family were asked to come to the hospital to see her.

Life changes on the drop of a dime.

I went to the hospital on Sunday and my friend Belinda who also knows Connie met me there.  I was there two hours holding Connie’s hand and just being with her and her family.  Yesterday I went in the morning and again in the evening.  This morning I plan to go again.

Connie has been an amazing part of my life these past 5 years.  I learned much from this strong-willed, big-hearted woman and wish now I could take away all her pain.

The weekend clearly did not go as planned, but what really does?  Instead Belinda and I offered a place for people to gather and stay if they wished as they visited Connie because my home is about 3 miles form the hospital.  We cooked, we cleaned, we hung out on the deck talking with friends.

Today Belinda heads back home.  I have my lawn to mow.  A little audio listening. A mailing to finish.  perhaps a little flower planting project I have my eye on.  2015 has been a hard year for many.  I am emotionally exhausted in my own personal grief as well as my grief for my dear friend.

So…

We made it through the 4th.

I knew the 4th was going to be a rough day so I had plans to lay low and not over commit.  The only commitment I had made in fact was to go strawberry picking in the morning with my cousin.  I have not been strawberry picking since the kids were young…

So…

I went.

Getting at one with nature seems to be my thing this year.  It keeps my mind busy.

We went out and were given a row to pick in.  We each took a side and chatted away while we crawled through the hay between the rows picking berries staining the knees of our pants berry red.  Two buckets each.

The owner, Roger, came and went through my bucket.  as a “newbie” he pulled berries out that he told me I wouldn’t want, over ripe and would not be good.  He told me I should be eating them s I went to know what the god ones looked like.  He was a nice guy and gave me a discount as he was worried about the state of the berries I had picked.  🙂

So now, I have a pile of berries to deal with.  Yesterday I saw a recipe for cobbler on line that I would like to try.  I picked up some blueberries and plan to make a couple of these there this morning, one for my aunt and one for a friend who both recently went through surgery.  I will make one for us tonight as I believe a friend is coming form the cities to hang out with me the next couple of days so we are going to grill and either hang out by the fire pit or watch movies – or both.

Looking forward to it.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.  Stay safe.

July. Wow. I look at that and it brings me pause.  How is it July? How does the world keep on moving at its normal clippy pace while I seem to have stopped moving…. or maybe not stopped, but definitely a way more sluggish pace like walking through pea soup.

Yesterday my aunt and uncle came over in the morning to see the memorial bench.  In the afternoon a neighbor brought over banana bread.  A sweet book came in the mail from a friend of my mom’s.  And in the evening Justin’s good friend Heather came over and picked me up to take me to another of Justin’s friends who are camping about 40 minutes from here to grill and catch up.  These kids are so awesome.  We laughed and cried together.  After getting lost on the way home I arrived back here around 11 pm… tired but glad I went. It was a crazy emotional and busy day.

Today…. I finished an audio book this morning!  (Yay Sheila!  Way to go!)

I am taking Mater to the vet

This afternoon my cousin is picking me up and we are going strawberry picking which I do not think I have done since the kids were young.

This new me is different for sure.  I am way more fragile and protective of my heart.  Little sparks of the old me pop out once in a while but the old and the new … the before and the after me…. are somehow trying to combine into something/someone sort of recognizable but with a whole new meaning of life.

Do not take today for granted.

Morning.

Twice.

I was up at 5 am…. woke up and got up.  That’s the way it works these days.  But I could feel I was still tired.  I messed around an my laptop until 6:15 am and went back to bed.  Up at 8:10 am.

This morning as I am doing the routine of wiping down counters, picking up around the house, and thinking about my day; I reach for the latest book I am reading which is in the bed with my big plans to read last night and instead I fell asleep curled up with the book next to me like a teddy bear….

it hit me.

I really do enjoy reviewing books.

Before you all say “Duh, Sheila.  We know.”  ok, maybe not before you say that, but after you say that, it is really true and perhaps even more so than the average reviewer.

For me books form a young age have been an escape from the reality of this world.  Not is a spooky way where I don’t belong of this thing called Earth and I am unaware of reality thinking I live in Narnia or better yet that I attend Hogwarts.  Most days, ok all days I wish there was such a thing as a time turner.

Any hoo….

This crazy little world of Book Journey that started in June of 2009 has become such a great place for me to not only share books and audio, but also to share me.  I can’t even say how possibly therapeutic that has been at times, especially as of late.  I will celebrate my blogiversary which is usually June 9th probably in September.  I like the sound of a 6 1/4 Blogiverary.

This year has been nothing as I had hoped for.  I can easily say it is absolutely the worst time of my life.  Yet…  my son lived in a way that is inspiring to many.  He Looked at each day as an opportunity to have the best time… and he did.  He accepted everyone with no discrimination, he loved unconditionally, he had words – words words…. all over his walls on signs and on his frig.  Words that are now in this house here as surreal as that is.  I love that he loved words…. I love words.

Ok… I am rabbit trailing so I am off to mow the lawn, be in the sun… and try to live a little more each day…. always missing him.

Half way through the weekend.

Yesterday my cousin came over in the morning and helped me with a little project.  As I had mentioned before, friends had given us a wonderful memorial bench to put in the yard.  I moved it from one tree to another and could not find a place that I liked… a place where I thought I would use it.

Last Sunday while up town I seen our local grocery store had perennials on sale.  I am not very knowledgeable about plants but read their descriptions and picked out some I liked that would bloom at different times between spring and fall.  This is what my cousin and I worked on yesterday…

and then…

and even better… the night view…

I really like it even though I admit it drives me crazy that I have a need for a memorial bench in our yard… the very yard I grew up in… the yard I have walked and ran and played in since I was three years old and probably walked over this space so many times not having a clue what it would one day have placed on it.

Life…

I just don’t know how to do this.

Bookish news… I think I am starting a Shelley Noble book at some point today.  Beach Colors looks promising.  I leave here in a few minutes for a meeting in St Cloud and later on today a birthday party.  I am listening in audio in the car, just started Dead Wake: The Last Crossing Of The Lusitania by Erik Larson.  Its a little longer than I like at 13 cds but we will see how it goes today.

How are you spending your Sunday?

Friday morning.

I woke up and looked at the clock… not quite 6:00 am.

*groan*

But I am up… and awake… so moving on.  Laying in bed after I am awake does nothing good for me.

This morning I am going to work on a little out-door project, still trying to find the best place to put Justin’s bench and think I have a plan.

I found some perennials on sale last weekend and today I plan to dig out this section of lawn and lay down dirt and plant these lovelies around the bench.  I will do that sooner rather than later trying to avoid the high temps of the sun.  I am looking forward to seeing the final look of this.

While doing this I will finish up listening to Down The Rabbit Hole by Holly Madison (yeah – pleasantly surprised on this one!)  and afterwards finishing up Whisper Beach which I tried to complete last night but was just too tired to finish.  I have a coffee date early afternoon and maybe if Al gets home at a decent time we can go to a movie tonight.

Tomorrow we have a birthday party for a friend, and Sunday I have a morning road trip to St Cloud and then an afternoon birthday party for a child.

It sometimes amazes me how the world doesn’t stop and I have to find a way to hop back on the merry-go-round of life.  I do what I can and try to make appearances but at the same time know that when I am done I need to be done and I make no excuses for that.

Going into the weekend, what books/audio are accompanying you?