“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.”

~Alice IN Wonderland

Where oh where have I been?

It is a great question…

As I mentioned on Saturday my good friend Connie has passed away.  This bit of events put me in a tailspin of activity. On Saturday we started the Meal Train.  That evening we spent time with friends at a cook out.  Sunday friends came into town to help me with the plans for the upcoming bike ride (July 25th-26th), Monday we had the visitation, Tuesday the funeral, Wednesday the burial…  and in-between all of that library meetings, Bike Ride prep, Wine and Words planning….

Ufta.

So when I received an email from my bookish friend Kim (Sophisticated Dorkiness) and roommate year one of the Book Expo, that she was coming to my home town and could we do dinner on Tuesday – I immediately said yes.

Of course… when I said yes, I was exhausted, and thought she meant next Tuesday…..  😉

When Tuesday afternoon rolled around and I received a text from Kim that she was on her way I had to really think about what to do.  It was the day of the funeral.  I was EXHAUSTED.  I had come home around 2 pm, put on my yoga pants and a comfy t-shirt and took a nap. I had no intention of going out again and was looking forward to grilling with my hubby as I had not seen him the last two days.

But… I also really wanted to see Kim.

I counter offered, explained my mix up and asked if it would be possible to do breakfast or supper on Wednesday instead.  Breakfast it was.

It was great seeing her again.  We talked about books – or for both of us lately, lack there of….  audio (which we both love), we exchanges titles that we enjoyed and just caught up on life.

A cool bonus to this whole Blogging experience is that you can find friends in almost any state.  Since l met Kim in 2010 when she was one of my roommates for the Book Expo, we have connected on other events as well, and yesterdays meet up was awesome.

Today – I am hoping to keep life to a low simmer.  I have a BIG weekend coming up with the camp ride for Connie.  Tomorrow we will run around and get all the final details in place.

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

I almost want to say, “welcome to the sad/depressing blog Book Journey.  I may or may not talk about books.  I will be your host today.”

Ugh.

I last posted on Thursday morning talking about the business of life even when the last thing you want to be is busy – the “to do’s” are still there.  Shortly after I posted, I was making muffins to take to the hospital to see my friend Connie when I received the call.

Connie had passed away peacefully in the night.

There are moments in our life when the world seems to stand still.  That moment would be one of them.  Everything became quiet as I absorbed the loss.

Another loss.

Another big one.

Even though we knew it was coming, it is still difficult to take in.  And suddenly – my busy post –

didn’t matter.

Instead I spent my day trying to help out the family where I could.  Putting together a meal train, being available for whatever and putting to use what I have learned about grief these past few months into action.  My son… and now my friend….

my heart stacks the grief on grief.

Anyway.

I really do plan to talk about something fun one of these days soon.  I have reviews to write, I have the Queen Event to share.  Not all in my life is overwhelmingly sad, there are small breaks of happiness.  Happy actually seems to strong a word.  Maybe thankfulness is better… when I am surrounded by good friends, sharing what should be a good time, and knowing that I am surrounded by angels…

in Heaven as well as on earth.

Enjoy this weekend.  We will be at a friend’s house this evening grilling and planning a trip in January that at this time I have no interest in whatsoever but trying to find a way to move a bit forward in the tiniest of ways.  Tomorrow I will start working on the baskets for Wine and Words with my friend Gail,and then next week will be filled with things every day as I celebrate my friend’s life early in the week and by the end of the week take part in a two-day bike ride raising money for the non profit she loved, Camp Benedict in her honor.

Life keeps on moving.  There is a new layer to me that sees how fragile everything is.  Love unconditionally.  See the good in everyone and everything.  My friend Connie had that gift.  So did my son Justin.

♥

Imagine taking all your emotions – everything you could possibly feel and putting them in a blender.

That’s the way I feel.

I can not even believe it has been 100 days since I lost my beautiful son.  It is a crazy mixed up world we live in and I struggle daily trying to find my fit in it – the commitments, the want to’s, the things I say “Yeah!  I want to do that!” when the old me peaks out for a second and then later I am horrified that I agreed to do something that I know is too much for me to take on.

I am up.  I am down.

I am mostly down.

After my last post about my friend Connie my emotional gauge has been off the charts.  I do what I need to do to get through the day.  I make the connections I need to and when the day is done I am home, exhausted physically and emotionally, a bundle of mixed feelings – glad I accomplished something… overwhelming sadness lying just under the surface, tired… so tired.

Connie, as of this morning is the same.  I will stop by this morning and check on her.  Yesterday we ran the Color Run for Justin.  is team that he started working on in March.  We finished it and 21 of us ran the 5k in Justins memory.  As you can imagine it was an amazing and horrible thing all rolled into one.  I am so thankful for his friends and mine, so glad that they pushed on to do this – and so sad knowing Justin would have been amazed at the friends who gathered to run for him.  Ridiculous is the word that comes to mind… it is ridiculous that I am typing such a thing and he is gone.

and then last night…. a big storm hit Minnesota:

I love this tree.  I have a sweet pic of the boys climbing up in it when they were young.  I think we can save part of it and I hope it will grow back again.

Still here.

Good morning.

Thursday already.  I feel like this week has been a cluster of activity that fits in so many different areas of my life that I feel like it is a box of puzzle pieces that have been dumped on the table to sort, turn, and try to find their place.

Life.

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, my good friend Connie is in the hospital for what looks to be the last time. I have been spending time with her usually twice a day morning and evening.  Between that I am working on my house projects, company, commitments, and two three events coming up fast – the Color Run, the Camp Bike Ride and Wine and Words shortly after.  I definitely feel whelmed all the while with my own grief just bubbling below the surface.

I have been too tired to read lately although I do try.  The same book has followed me from the bed stand to the living room several times throughout each day but I never get to opening it.  I have been listening to audio while working in the yard, mowing the lawn, and writing addresses on cards I need to mail.

I am anxious for life to slow down again.

What a weekend.

Originally I was supposed to go to the cabin on Sunday with my good friend Belinda and we were going to hang out and bike until Tuesday afternoon.  I freed up my schedule and thought it would be a nice little break.  When Mater had surgery on Wednesday the plans changed as I had “dog care duties” and instead I invited Belinda to come hang out with me here in Brainerd and we could bike around here, grill, and maybe have use the fire pit.

Sunday morning (my last meandering post) I was out delivering strawberry cobbler to the neighbors when I received the call.  My good friend Connie had been struggling with her health all year and it seems that things were taking a turn for the worst.  Friends and family were asked to come to the hospital to see her.

Life changes on the drop of a dime.

I went to the hospital on Sunday and my friend Belinda who also knows Connie met me there.  I was there two hours holding Connie’s hand and just being with her and her family.  Yesterday I went in the morning and again in the evening.  This morning I plan to go again.

Connie has been an amazing part of my life these past 5 years.  I learned much from this strong-willed, big-hearted woman and wish now I could take away all her pain.

The weekend clearly did not go as planned, but what really does?  Instead Belinda and I offered a place for people to gather and stay if they wished as they visited Connie because my home is about 3 miles form the hospital.  We cooked, we cleaned, we hung out on the deck talking with friends.

Today Belinda heads back home.  I have my lawn to mow.  A little audio listening. A mailing to finish.  perhaps a little flower planting project I have my eye on.  2015 has been a hard year for many.  I am emotionally exhausted in my own personal grief as well as my grief for my dear friend.

So…

We made it through the 4th.

I knew the 4th was going to be a rough day so I had plans to lay low and not over commit.  The only commitment I had made in fact was to go strawberry picking in the morning with my cousin.  I have not been strawberry picking since the kids were young…

So…

I went.

Getting at one with nature seems to be my thing this year.  It keeps my mind busy.

We went out and were given a row to pick in.  We each took a side and chatted away while we crawled through the hay between the rows picking berries staining the knees of our pants berry red.  Two buckets each.

The owner, Roger, came and went through my bucket.  as a “newbie” he pulled berries out that he told me I wouldn’t want, over ripe and would not be good.  He told me I should be eating them s I went to know what the god ones looked like.  He was a nice guy and gave me a discount as he was worried about the state of the berries I had picked.  🙂

So now, I have a pile of berries to deal with.  Yesterday I saw a recipe for cobbler on line that I would like to try.  I picked up some blueberries and plan to make a couple of these there this morning, one for my aunt and one for a friend who both recently went through surgery.  I will make one for us tonight as I believe a friend is coming form the cities to hang out with me the next couple of days so we are going to grill and either hang out by the fire pit or watch movies – or both.

Looking forward to it.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.  Stay safe.