Thursday. 10 1/2 weeks into this new world.
Everything has changed.
I no longer have a “get up and going” attitude. Instead I get up with knowing it is another day to get through and oh I am so tired of having to get through. I try to go on because I know Justin would be so sad if I changed who I was and what I loved to do. But honestly, it is so hard every day.
Today a friend is having a little gathering at her home to help me address and stamp the thank you cards. I made my own because I didn’t like the generic feel of the ones that were given to us to send. I know those cards would have worked for probably about 95% of the population and most people would probably have been thankful that it was something they did not have to think about – but for me, the cards we were given did not say enough of what the support of friends and family has meant to us. I can’t even express that what people have done has helped lift us up over this awful chasm in our lives. Justin and I both have a creative side and the cards… well the cards were something I needed to do for both of us.
So that is today.
Tonight I have an invite from a girl in my book club to come over, talk books, and have a glass of wine. That sounds nice. I am trying day to day to move forward in some manner. What might not look like significant progress to the normal person, is a huge step for me. Even leaving my house to go to someone elses to work on thank you’s or to have a nice talk and a glass of wine is a big step.
Thank you for visiting me here at Book Journey and walking with me in all the ways you do through this process. In all the ways you reach out: leaving a comment, sending a card, saying a prayer, thinking of us…. this card is also for you.
Book Journey 
(((Sheila))) I hope you know that you’ve never left my, and many other’s, thoughts. I’m always wishing for you to find strength, joy, and whatever else you need to carry on. I know it’s a day to day thing and I honestly can’t imagine what you’re going through. Even *trying* to imagine it is incredibly painful. Just know that I’m in your corner, as are many, many others.
I appreciate that Jennifer. Its crazy to say I feel blessed in all of this but I know I do. Having friendships both on line and off have really brought me to where I am today which is HUGE.
Hi Sheila, it must be so hard to carry on on a daily basis and I think you are doing a heroic job- I agree that Justin would have wanted you to keep going and try to be happy again- think if this was reversed- you would want justin to go on and not give up on the wonder of being alive…keep going- there is a saying in AA- fake it until you make it….. And for your readers, keep blogging especially about your loss and how you are coping- there are many of us that you are helping….Judy
Sent from my iPad. Judy
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I like that… fake it until you make it.
I cannot imagine how difficult life is for you right now and I know you’re right that Justin would want you to keep on. I know he would be proud of you and the progress you’ve made. I’m sending hugs your way.
Thanks Kathy. Life is not as quiet as I would like it now and that is probably good – to get out and have commitments when I really only want to stay at home where I feel safe.
You did this beautifully…
Thanks Patty
Your bravery and fortitude astound me, Sheila. I can’t imagine the pain and anguish you are experiencing; your words make me ache for you. The fact that you are trying speaks volumes to your fortitude and determination and to your capacity to love and experience life’s gifts. I think of you and your family daily and wish there was some more adequate way to express my sincerest condolences and love and admiration I have for you.
Thank you Michelle
Sheila, it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would create your thank yous. It’s so beautifully and appropriately worded, plus the picture of Justin. It suits you all. You will get there. Even after the world was flooded, the clouds did part again. oxox
Thanks Donna.
(((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))))))) 🙂
Thank you Felicia
I understand. I lost my brother and father suddenly in 2011. It was all I could do to continue going to school to finish my Masters. I know it helped me being in plays. I guess it redirected my focus, but most days I just wanted to be home with my husband and dog. I know there isn’t anything anyone can say that will make it better, but I applaud you for keeping on. Here’s me sending you a hug.
Thanks Rose, I am sorry for your loss as well.
I love the personal touch. The card is beautiful! {Hugs}
Thank you Vicki, I think they say what I needed them to.
As you said, you just have to keep moving forward no matter how small the step. We are here with you, always. Enjoy that glass of wine tonight.
Thank you Ti.
When I suddenly lost my brother in 1983 (and it’s not the same as a child, but he was my buddy, my friend), it took a long while to feel a sense of what the new normal would be. We are forever changed, but we can move forward, slowly. Even if it seems trite, I totally agree with the “fake it until you make it” sentiment of AA.
Your thank you notes beautifully express your thoughts and feelings.
Thanks Laurel… every day I try.
I saw the movie, “I’ll See You In My Dreams” the other day and it really tea donated with me, because since my divorce I’ve cultivated a “one foot in front of the other” mindset and created a quiet safe life.
I thought about you on the way home, and how much I’ve always loved your blog entries as someone who really knew how to live out loud. You and Justin inspired me.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say except you might enjoy the movie. Her child doesn’t die, but she lost her husband twenty years ago and her dog dies in the beginning of the movie and sets everything off again, but it pushes her from clinging to quiet safety.
Probably wasn’t the best timing for me since I just lost my 16 year old dog – my safety net after divorce. Which cannot compare to your loss.
Okay, done rambling! 🙂
I like how you said quiet life. I like that and see that is what I am doing now as well. I prefer the shelter of my home to the world that continues to go on outside these walls… I don’t feel safe their anymore. t is unpredictable and I never know what I am going to encounter.
There is no time frame for grieving. It goes through stages and sometimes (often) will jump back to a stage you may have felt you’ve conquered. I can imagine your grief so my heart aches terribly for you. Waking through your life as it is now day by day is the only way you can do it…day by day. It’s encouraging to know your doing things…seeing people…little by little. Do keep Justin in mind, that is healthy. I like what one commenter said about faking it until it’s real. It’s terribly difficult to fake your way through something but there is a whole lot of truth to doing it that way. You and your husband and other son are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your grief with us, your readers.
I meant “walking” not “waking”
Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.
Sheila–My prayers are with you. I can only imagine how tough this time is for you, but it sounds like a you have a supportive group of people there for you!
I really do have a great group of friends. I am so thankful – I can not imagine trying to do this alone.
Your card is so special and so personal. It’s one more step in your seemingly endless journey to come to a new place in life. Each of experiences grief in our own specific way and it’s not like anybody else’s way. You do what you need to do. We’ll be here – thinking of you. Hugs.
Thanks Kay. I am good with that and plan on taking care of me throughout this process.
(((Sheila)))
Thank you Mary
Beautiful thank you card. It takes enormous courage to do what you are doing, thinking of you all.
Thanks Kathryn.
A big warm hug, gently gently.
Thanks Diane
The card is beautiful Sheila. Thinking of you and hope each new day makes you stronger.
Thanks Diane I am hoping that as well.
The words are beautiful. Blessings to you all.
Sheila. the card is very beautiful and I am glad (and not surprised) that you have so many friends and supporters. Remember to take it easy whenever possible, and to give yourself permission to “do less”, if necessary.
Sheila, these are not little steps. Right now, everything you do will seem like a huge hurdle before you. Each step you take inches you a bit further from the darkness you are living in and closer to the light. I truly believe our sons watch over us, and rejoice in each baby step we take back toward our new normalcy. I wish I was close by, but my thoughts are with you every step of the way. Big hugs.
Sheila – I cannot imagine what it’s like to lose a child and how it feels to wake up every morning in the “after”. My heart goes out to you and you seem to be showing courage and bravery. I love the idea of a gathering to help address all the thank you cards…a nice way to brighten up an annoying chore. And, a glass of wine and book talk sounds heavenly. Enjoy!
Our card came today and it made me cry. I wish I could take your pain for one day. I imagine a day of it is all I could bear. Oh Sheila, I continue to think of you and pray for you and your family every single day.