Sunday. Yesterday made six weeks since my life changed forever. There are days I want to write… I open up a new post… and then I walk away. I am still struggling fitting into a new normal and stubbornly I don’t even want a new normal.
I want everything back the way it was.
I miss writing. I miss reviewing. I want to do something besides sitting in my house trying to escape this new reality but having no idea how. I do read. I do get out a little. I am signed up for BEA (Book Expo America) on May 26 – 29 in New York but even now I go back and forth on if that is what I can do. I want to… I am nervous to… I am giving myself until this Tuesday to fully fully decide.
I am doing a little. This past Tuesday we had book club and we skyped with the author, Susan Gloss. Her book Vintage inspired us to dress up and since that was what we had planned to do when we originally discussed this book in March, we stuck with it. These little outings while probably good for me to do, are exhausting.
This past Friday a group of friends met at a cabin on a lake and we sat around and talked around a camp fire, grilled good food, and were just together. It was both sweet and also hard to do but I am glad I did it.
Below are the books and audio that have come in the last 6 weeks since I posted. I have picked away at a few of them finding that while I am unable to watch TV I am able to read a bit to take my mind off things.
Today is another rainy day in Central Minnesota. The last week + has been cold and rainy and while it fits my mood…it is getting old. After I post this I will probably try to read a bit before I lay down for a nap. I do have reviews to write, today I hope to start writing reviews and posting them but I have also learned these past 6 weeks that nothing happens on my schedule any more as it takes me forever to do the simplest tasks.
Until I write again. Thank you for reading whatever I am saying and thank you for being the amazing people on the other side of my posts.
Sheila
Book Journey 
Sheila my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are working through it. I miss your comments. I currently have a number of bookd from my library. Ha e good weekend.
Sheila…I pray for you everyday.
I am glad you are getting out and taking your mind off of things…not sure how you do, though.
I hope you do make it to the BEA. You always loved that, and I am sure Justin would want you to be there.
HUGS, HUGS, HUGS and lots of love being sent your way.
Elizabeth
Thank you for posting. I’ve been thinking about you every day, hoping that you will be able to find a way out of the darkness.
I haven’t kept up with your blog for the past two months and I am stunned to hear of your family tragedy. I am heartbroken for you and your family. I can understand how you can read books, but not be able to watch TV. There might be too many things on TV that might make you feel sad. Books, on the other hand, can give you a welcome respite from the real world, if only for a short time.
Carolyn
Thank you for posting. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I think you’re right–that going out and doing things is good for you. Not necessarily easy, just important for your mental and emotional health.
I’m a mother, too, and my heart breaks for anyone who has gone through what you’ve had to endure.
Take care.
My prayers for you and your family.
Sheila, glad to read your posts whatever they are about. Adjusting to a new life is difficult but you are trying it a little at a time which is good. Grieving is different for all of us, just follow your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Oh, Sheila, there’s no way not to feel heartache for you 😦 I still say try not to expect too much of what life should be right now. There is no controlling it and 6 weeks is such a short amount of time with this.
I do hope you push yourself to go to BEA, though not with the intent of fitting in what you normally would or being the whirlwind you typically are, but allowing yourself to experience it at whatever pace your body and mind dictate. Walk, don’t run–unless you want to and feel you can. Your normal activities are exhausting because you are so exhausted and drained. But know that slowly and surely time and life will force themselves upon you and will lift you from the depths of this loss. At some point you’ll feel like you’re allowed to feel joy in life instead of the unreasonable guilt it seems to conjure because your son is not here to experience joy. Some day you will be able to feel the joy of two–for you and for him.
I don’t know if you were able to read what I mailed to you, but my hope was to help bring you some measure of comfort. If not, I hope you read it soon and that it helps to some degree. And, of course, my belief is that God (along with his angels) will help you in ways no one else can. You only need ask–every day and often if need be oxox
It’s good to hear from you. I think about you and pray for you a lot. When I am sad or otherwise feeling bad, TV won’t do the trick for me either. I definitely need to read to engage my mind enough to give me a respite from thinking the sad thoughts that can get to repeating in my mind. I’m glad books work for you, too, while you’re going through this time. Take your time finding your footing in the new reality you’ve been forced into. I’m sure we’ll all still be around whenever you’re ready to blog. In the meantime, you’ll continue you to be in my thoughts and prayers.
I think of you every day. Hope to see you at BEA. -beth
Sending love and prayers your way, lady. Every single day.
Sending you a 🙂 and a hug.
I think of you all the time. This grieving thing is tough and we all do it differently. I hope and pray you find some peace and calm..
I remember reading a letter my mom wrote after my brother died that described her life as “before” and “after” and recently a friend of 41 yrs who was with me the day my brother died described me as being the same. 6 weeks is such a short period of time and yet can seem so long. prayers to you and just hang in there. you are a very very brave woman.
Sometimes you just have to take small steps forward…and there will be plenty steps backwards, too, but with each step, you are reentering the world you love. The world Justin would want you to love again. My thoughts are with you.
One day at a time. That’s all you can do. Thanks for updating us. Thinking of you each and every day.
You’re in my thoughts ever day, Sheila. I appreciate the update am sending a virtual hug.
I think that what you are doing is what is best for you…sometimes it’s good to be with people…sometimes you might need to step back…grief is huge…I truly don’t know how to deal with it…I guess just different steps every day until you find what works for you…
Sheila, I read Vintage a while ago and enjoyed it. I am glad you are meeting with your friends and posting a bit. Please take care and post when you can.
Glad to see you posting a bit. Take all the time you need. Do what feels right. Listen to your body and your heart. One day at a time, there is no time limit or time frame for grief. {{hugs}} to you and to your family.
Yes, it’s hard, but you have to do these things and slowly it will get easier. I just finished reading 2 books that made me think about life changes and hanging on to things. It was really about forgiveness, but it could apply for your situation, also. “You’ll never forget, but you’ll learn to live with it.” Take your time, but keep on keepin’ on.
I do hope you are able to go to BEA. Glad your book group is a place that gives you love, support, hope and soon joy! You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your vintage thing looks like so much fun… I should try to find myself a book club. I am totally understanding everything you are saying here and I will keep praying for you. Your honesty in this whole horrible thing is shining through. You are courageous. You are lovely.
I’m happy to see you’re getting out and about. You do what you gotta do to heal. No need to even explain.
Family and friends are what keeps me sane. I think about you often and you are always in my prayers.
It’s good to see you back. Just remember, some days all you can manage are baby steps, but I promise the day will come when the new person who resides in your body will be able to manage giant steps again, but with an angel on your shoulder. Love and hugs, my friend.
I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through / are going through. I hope reading continues to give you some solace though. xx
So glad to see a post pop up from you Sheila. Grief is exhausting, it’s not a straight road. Putting one foot in front of the other is exhausting when something this life-altering occurs. Whatever decision you make for BEA will be the right one for you, right now. You are in my thoughts constantly, hugs coming your way xx
You are in my heart everyday, love and hugsxxxx
Thinking of you, you are making brave efforts and small steps which I so admire. I can only guess at how exhausting it is, as you live with such grief. Take care – do what feels right. Sending love and hugs.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Many hugs to you.
Even though I only know you and your family via our blogs, you have been in my thoughts every day since I read your tragic post six weeks ago. I’ve been wanting to do something or say something or give you something other than my heartfelt thoughts during this time.
Today I bumped into an acquaintance who has tragically experienced her own loss almost a year ago now. She is a writer and a blogger. Seeing her again reminded me of one of her posts last year talking about the grief books she read that actually helped her.
As a reader & writer yourself, I thought you might be like to see this post too – when you’re ready that is – https://hannahrichell.wordpress.com/2014/09/03/books-for-the-broken-hearted/
With love
Bron
xoxo
I wish I knew the magic way to make everything right. My only experience even a tiny bit close to this was when our beautiful 32-year-old niece suffered a brain aneurysm and died five years ago. She was kind and giving and funny and she would not have wanted her family to mourn and mourn and mourn for her (as we have.) I try to think of all the things Erin taught me in her short life (help other people, be gentle with difficult people, and, most of all, laugh) and I think of her happily enjoying heaven with her grandparents and I miss her presence and I try to help others as she so often did.
Sheila – I’m glad to see you back and my thoughts are with you. Sarah
Thinking of you as you make your way x
I hope you make it to Book Expo. I will be at the Bloggers Conference on Wednesday, and hope to meet you there. Best, best, best.
Many hugs to you. Am hoping we can ease our way into BEA and being social. So hard to do, but maybe a good thing too to be with friends.
Keeping you in my thoughts every day. ❤
I think of you so often, Sheila. There is no right way to grieve. It sounds as if you are doing your best – taking things one day at a time. It’s good to hear you are starting to dip your toe back into the world and spending some time with friends – as painful as it is to act as if everything is normal, it is also healing.
Hope you continue to find some comfort in friends and in books –
Love,
Sue
I send you strength.
I think of you all of the time too. I know it’s still so difficult for you and your family. Just continue to know that we are all with you for the long haul. Vent when you need to.
Sending healing thoughts your way. Do what you have to do, its good that you have family and friends to support you.
It is good to hear from you as I’ve been thinking about you often, as I expect many others have. You seem have a good amount of support surrounding you and are taking small steps toward healing. I hope you’re able to take comfort from your friends and family, and from spending time escaping into your books.
Sheila, I took a little blogging hiatus, so I am just now getting caught up on your story. I am SO sorry for your loss. I wish I could do more than just give you my words. Take all the time you need. Surround yourself with things and people that remind you of your son, and know that there are many people thinking and praying for your family. ((hugs))
It was good to see your post yesterday, and I, too am glad to hear that books are able to give you a bit of escape or relief. I love the suggestion above to take BEA at your own pace if you do come, but selfishly I hope to see you!
Darling! {{hugs}}
Thinking of you as you try to find your way, maybe not to a new normal just yet, but at least to a way to make it through each day.