Morning Meanderings… Still Here

meme Checking in.  At 31 days since the accident, life has taken on a new normal.  I cry every day, yet every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day I have no tears left.  Every day to this point I have had more than enough tears.  I have been surrounded with friends and family from morning to night and that has brought me through many HARD days.  At this point I am trying not to lean so heavily on these amazing people who come to sit with me, text me, message me, or bring me coffee or provide dinner for my family or encourage me to go out for a walk or a bike ride. I am learning ever so cautiously to stand in this new world breathing this unfamiliar air and trying (trying trying trying) to imagine a world without the amazing light and love of Justin.

Quite honestly…. I don’t like it.

Which brings me to my point today.  I can not sit and watch TV.  My mind will not settle into the story line and something will leave me unsettled – a laugh in a comedy, a family… a pregnant woman.  However, I have found that over the last couple of weeks I have been able to settle my mind into a book which does not surprise me.  Through the tragedies of my life – it has been books I have always been able to turn to for escape and release of the pain of the real world.  So slowly I am reading when I go to bed at 7 pm because I am done with what the day has to offer and I don’t know what else to do, I pick up a book and I read a little each night.  I will write reviews because I love to talk about books. As easy as it would be to stop doing all the things I used to do I know that would make Justin very sad.

I always referred to him as the male version of me.  If it was fun, unique, and crazy – we would encourage each other to do it. He loved that I lived life the way I did. I have to remember that.  I will continue Book Journey.  I imagine that my morning posts will become hopefully lighter than this one.  I know I am changed forever and that will reflect on how I write, for better of for worse.  That kid though, he is worth every bit of pain I am going through right now.  I love him so much… and for that reason.  I will continue to live life out loud.  He would have wanted me to stay that way.

I am still here.

3

Picture taken on April 2nd at the premiere of The Longest Ride movie. Justin died on April 4th.

About Sheila (Book Journey)

Bookaholic * Audio Book Fan *Bike Rider *Rollerblader *Adventure Seeker *Want To Be Runner*Coffee lover *Fitness Fan * Movie junkie

Posted on May 5, 2015, in Meanderings and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 102 Comments.

  1. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.

  2. Have you read Joan Didion’s “The Year of Magical Thinking”? So powerful, very spare prose as she lost her husband and daughter within a short time.

  3. Welcome back, Sheila. Welcome to my home, welcome to my mornings. Thank you for being you, all that you are. Welcome. All my very best.

  4. so glad to hear, you are still here… ❤

  5. Linda Bruski

    Sheila, I cannot imagine your pain. I think of you often and hope you find moments of peace.

  6. I think of you each and every day Sheila and cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I think you’re right, though – Justin would want you to continue to live life the way you did but, how you do that, I cannot say.

  7. I’m so sorry for your loss – I pray you will find peace.

  8. I’ve been thinking of you so often and am glad to see you returning to your books. Books are an escape for most of us who come here each day to hear what you have to say. I’m glad you are able to return to them and find comfort in them.

  9. Sheila…you have been in my thoughts every day since I heard about Justin. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are in, but am glad to know you are finding solace in books – I find that when life gets tough, that seems to be my escape as well. It’s hard to know what to say, but know that I continue to keep you all in my prayers. xxoo

  10. Hugs Sheila. I think about you every day when I turn on my computer and don’t see Morning Meanderings in my mailbox. So glad to see you are finding some comfort in books and writing.

  11. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s great to hear you are thinking of what Justin would want and that you know he would want you to move on. It’s good to hear from you. I look forward to hearing more from you when you’re reading to start posting again. Until then, I’ll keep thinking of you.

  12. I’ve been thinking of you and yours constantly, every day. I’m continuing to send you healing thoughts and lots of hugs. (((((Sheila))))

  13. It was wonderful to wake up this morning and see your blog on my computer. You are in our thoughts.

  14. Sheila, I have only known you through your blog but I still feel as though I know you. I have thought about you and your family each and every day. I am thankful that the small relief you find is through books and through your wonderful writing. Hugs to you each and every day.

  15. My heart just aches for you. I lost a brother at12 and i don’t remember my parents being able to function at this point. I think your son just had a birthday?.. i remember those being incredibly painful. God be with you.

  16. Take care…

  17. So in awe of your strength and wisdom, Sheila. And your ability to share it here and on FB. I, too, am glad that books can bring you at least a little bit of peace or solace.

  18. I am another person who knows you only through your blog and my heart aches for you. My prayers sent from the other side of the world for you and the family.

  19. Marybeth Taranow

    Welcome back!

  20. I was so happy to open my email and see a post from Book Journey. The strength it takes you to get out of bed each day is more than I think I’ve had my whole life. I’m so glad you are still here and writing. LOVE.

  21. Hugs, Sheila. You have been in my thoughts and prayers every day.

  22. Hugs to you.

  23. My heart grieves for your loss.

  24. Been thinking of you every day and crying along with you when I read your posts on Facebook and now on here.

    You are right….Justin would want you to continue doing what you did and what you love.

    I cannot imagine your pain. Your relationship with Justin is like the relationship I have with my son.

    Hugs and love to you every day. You have a wonderful network of friends in person and in cyber space.

    Elizabeth

  25. Sheila, you and Justin remain in my thoughts. I’m glad that you are reading a bit now, getting outdoors, and sharing some thoughts. Hugs to you!

  26. Glad you are still here and totally understand your feelings about books being the thing to turn to help escape pain. They are the only thing to get me out of my head for a few moments. My daily dosage. 😉

  27. ondbookshelf

    I think of you every day when I’m going through my blog posts. I have missed morning meanderings, it was a part of my day. I’m glad to hear that you are able to find some solace in your books, and hope that you will one day be able to continue with all that you love as Justin would want you to.

  28. What a wonderful morning surprise, and such heartfelt words. Justin would be sooooo proud of you, Sheila. Just remember that grief has no timetable. We’ll always be here for you, no matter how often or how infrequently you write.

  29. I can’t think of the appropriate comforting words to say….so I won’t. Remember that you and your family are being held in so many people’s hearts and minds and thoughts. I continue to pray for you, which is all I can do as an online friend who lives far away…

  30. Welcome back, in whatever version of yourself you want to present…and the important thing to remember, which you said in your post, is how much your son would want you to live your life “out loud.” A step at a time…and slowly. You will find your new “normal.”

  31. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I cannot imagine the pain you are in. You are in my thoughts. I am happy you are returning to something that makes you happy. I am sure your son would want that. But please know that if you write sad posts or if you don’t post at all, your readers will understand.

  32. Dear Sheila! I hope you find moments of peace inbetween the grief. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling, but I’m glad you find escape inside the journeys of a book.

    I welcome you back into the blogosphere, and hope to find reviews and morning meanderings. Don’t be afraid to write out your grief 🙂

    Love, Elida.

  33. You’ve always written whats in your heart. Right now it is pain and grief and it is understandable. Glad you are able to read. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  34. Sheila, I was delighted to see you in my inbox just now 🙂 Since this happened, yours is the only one I still follow by email to be sure I see your posts right away. In fact, I haven’t checked any of the 169 blogs I follow in about 1 1/2 weeks ’cause my life hasn’t allowed for any of it, including considering facebook, so if you’ve been posting there, I haven’t seen anything. I’m sorry for that 😦

    I’ve thought often about the many things you will have trouble with, and TV was one of them. I’m not surprised at all, though, that it is reading/books that enables you to have respite. There’s nothing that’s quite as immersive as books and I’m so glad you have them.

    Your time for grieving can’t be measured and you will experience it in your own way. Whether you blog every day or once a month, whatever suits YOU is what you should do. You are taking each day as it comes and though certain things will become less burdensome with time, you have many humps to get over. We are here for whenever you choose to say “hi” and interact, and for sure, the one thing you can always count on is that God “has your back.” Much love and prayers, Sheila oxox

  35. Sheila, so good to see your post this morning. I completely understand how books are helping you during this time. Blog on your own schedule. As you can see by the comments, many people will be glad to read your posts. (((hugs)))

  36. Sheila you and I are on the same path I am just a couple of weeks ahead of you, my son Kris has been gone 51 days. I slept through the whole night one night last week. I cry a lot, i have trouble concentrating and Kris is on my mind most of my waking hours. People tell me it does get easier but it takes a lot of time to get there. The readers of my blog and internet friends have been a great source of support since I don’t get out too often but my family and close by friends have been wonderful. It is a year of first as his birthday and his daughter’s birthday passed and Mother’s Day looms ahead.

    I did have several commitments to meet and catching up on my blog which made me feel I had to make a quick return and that added stress I didn’t need but authors and publicists have been very understanding. You are right the need to stay busy helps us move through each day but don’t overdo, go at your own pace. One day may be great and the next day it is work to just get out of bed. I have found if I take things slow and strive for good minutes and hours I will eventually get to good days some time far in the future.

    I am glad you are back here and am always just an email away if you need to vent or talk. You are in my prayers and thoughts and I am sending you virtual hugs all day long.

    Lori

  37. I was sooo pleased to see an email from Book Journey just now! It’s good to have you back even though I can’t begin to imagine your pain! I’ve never met you but I really feel I know you, after all I have been reading your blog for about 3 years and love the way you live your life. Good luck Sheila
    Lx

  38. You are such a brave lady. I know it’s hard each day to pull yourself up and to hold all of the pieces together but we all understand that you need to let the pieces fall sometimes, too. That said, I think it’s awesome that you swung by to say Hi and that you’ll be back. Makes me smile. Hang in there. Still thinking of you all.

  39. My eyes are filled with tears as I read your post, but my heart is happy that you are taking those small steps…because as you said, Justin would want you to. You are very brave–very few know this journey you have to go thru, but all of us, in the blogging world think about you and pray for you. We miss you so much, but know that this has to be on ‘your time’. Take all the time you need, small steps, 2 forward, one back (or somedays it might seem like 3 back). Just so glad to hear from you today.

  40. I am so glad to read yr post- I have missed you.your handsome so will always be with you, though in a different form. Live well for the both of you.

  41. Welcome back, Sheila. I was really glad to read your post… You were in my thoughts.

  42. So glad to hear your voice, thinking of you and yours x

  43. I have no words but I am glad you are here.

  44. Sheila, I too have thought about you every single day. And kept you in my prayers. I have a saying at the top of my blog, “She reads books as one would breathe air, to fill up and live.” At times, for me, books have been a salvation and escape. Happy to hear that they are still speaking to you as well. And I know you miss Justin so very much and wish he were here. I will say this though, even as it sounds trite, but I believe it – this world is not our home – you’ll see him again. Just not right now. Hugs to you.

  45. I only know you through your blog
    I hope books will continue to give you solace as you so need it
    You say your lovely boy is a male version of you and of course he would want you to live
    I hope in time you may go on (of course with difference) for both of you as he is within your heart as close to you as he can get and there he will stay safe remembered and so loved I continue to think of you and send you positive thoughts

  46. I’m so glad you have such a big support system, and that you have that recent photo. I never do selfies or just silly pics to document my life and family and I wish I had more. Glad to see you back and creating a new “normal” routine.

  47. I have been thinking and grieving and praying for you Sheila. I’m so happy to see you back here in whatever way you need to be. I see your joy and love shining through the picture you have shared today. I cannot profess to know, but I *think* Justin would hope for you to continue on with that zest for life that you shared with him. You are brave. You are loved. Belle

  48. I have been thinking about and your family. It will take time but you will get there. I have miss your blob. I put a number of myARC that are being released today. I am surprised at which ones are being hit. 🌞 Have a Pain Free day🌞

  49. Welcome back, Sheila. It was lovely to see your email in my inbox this morning. I hope you continue to find solace in your books, family and friends.

  50. Welcome back, Sheila. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, but I completely empathize and understand the change in writing and outlook in general. I’ve experienced that after a great and sudden loss. I’m glad you’ve found your books to help you escape even for an hour or two. We’ll all be here for you and virtually open our arms to offer comfort as best we can.

  51. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I only knew Jason through your posts here and on Facebook, but the thought of you losing him pops into my head at all hours of the day and night and each time it’s hard to comprehend.

    I know what a hard time I’m having after losing my husband, and the thought of losing a child… My thoughts and prayers are with you, Al and Brad every day. Hugs to you all!

  52. I just wanted to say how very sorry I was to hear the sad news. I cannot imagine what you are going through but hope that you and your family are able to heal and find peace.

  53. Sheila, I am happy to see that you are trying to do things each day. You are healing, you just are so overwhelmed by pain that you may not see it. Sending you prayers, strength, and hugs.

  54. This is such a beautiful post, Sheila. I have no words of wisdom; I just want you to know that you have been in my thoughts during the past month. I am so glad you are able to find refuge in books. It s also obvious that you are surrounded by love. ❤

  55. Sheila, you’ve been so often in my thoughts this past month. Sending you lots of hugs and love and good thoughts.

  56. I have been thinking of you and your family these past few weeks. I am glad you can share some good memories of the joyful life Justin lead.

  57. Sheila, this brought tears to my eyes. I’ve thought about you a lot this month. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you’re back, and I hope writing and reading will be some comfort.

  58. I’ve been thinking of you. I love that you’re finding some solace in reading… That picture is gorgeous and I’m glad you had those days together.

  59. And we will still be here. Your words are resonating with so many people Sheila. Sharing yourself is huge and important. Love and strength to you all.

  60. Wonderful to hear your lovely voice again. Very moving and thank you for sharing during such a difficult time, have been thinking of you. Love the pic, what a pair!

  61. So sorry for your loss. “One day at a time” is the most cliche and simplest of advice but I think it’s apt. Prayers for your healing. Missed your posts.

  62. Saundra Johnson

    Yes, you are still here…take all the time you need…

  63. So happy to see your post! HUGS ❤

  64. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Leaning on family and friends is indeed so important. Take care.

  65. Sheila,

    I was so happy to see Book Journey in my inbox. You have been in my thoughts and prayers every day. Grief is different for all of us and how we handle it. Just start with baby steps when you can. Glad that reading is helping you through this and know that Justin is cheering you on. He walks with you. Hugs!

    Joan

  66. Gosh, that picture is a gorgeous one of you and Justin. Life sends curve balls when we least expect it.

    So glad to see you posting today (that’s a bit selfish of me, but I don’t have facebook and I miss you!), and relieved that you have people with you each day.

    I can’t imagine how I would cope in the same position, but I guess I would turn to books too. When my sister’s 8 day old baby girl passed away three years ago the only books I could read were about twins, as her twin brother survived. We look for answers in books I think. Wise words to keep our heads above water. Justin would definitely want that for you. Know that I am sending love and hugs your way.

  67. I think of you often; I know you know that there are so many people who care for you. {hugs}

  68. Glad you are still here. The loss is not understandable. I’m sure Justin would have wanted you to keep living — as you did. There are no answers. I just hope you can continue on and feel his light in doing so. Think of you often.

  69. Books in the Burbs

    My heart aches for you and I just wish there was more I could say or do. I’m so glad you are continuing to write, at your pace, because it will be cathartic for you, regardless of what you choose to write. Thank you for sharing with all of us the wonderful joy and memories of your son. How special that you both went to the movies together and took a picture of a happy moment. Hugs to you. xx

  70. Melissa (My World...in words and pages)

    Oh, dear. There are no words I know to share with you. Just, that I’m thinking of you. **hugs**

  71. So surprised and glad to see this in my mailbox…not able to imagine…just know we are all out here…

  72. I cannot imagine how you put one foot in front of the other as you grieve the loss of such a bright light. You are certainly left with a wealth of amazing memories which will help you on this journey and I can see that Justin will always be with you.

  73. Sheila, Justin will be cheering you on as you begin to live life out loud again. Your grief and sadness may sometimes seem insurmountable but Justin, his memories, his light and love will help you find the strength. Be kind to yourself. You are often in my thoughts xx

  74. Sheila,

    I understand about the tears. Sometimes they just come. Some days you wish they would not. You think that it would make him sad to see you sad and you cannot imagine ever smiling again. You are fortunate to have friends and sometimes that is all that keeps you sane. Someone told me that grief is like the waves in the ocean it ebbs and flows to its own rythymn. That somehow helped me and made sense. You grieve at your own pace. I pray for you and think of you often. I hope the day when you do not cry or feel sad and can smile returns to you. While I never met your son, from your posts it is obvious that you shared a wonderful relationship and he was a nice caring young man. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  75. Love seeing that smiling picture of you and Justin. Hugs!

  76. Glad to see you back on here, Sheila. I always loved and admired how you attack life with such vibrance. I know Justin would be happy to see you doing what you have always done. I hope to see you this summer, maybe at the reunion?? I think about you daily…..Hugs, Barb

  77. glad you are back to blogging, hang in there.. hugs and prayers to you and your family . . .

  78. My condolences. Stay strong and go on, slowly.

  79. Tears for your loss and tears for your strength. Mother’s Day will take on a new meaning, I’m sure but smile when you can knowing that you were the best mom to Justin. And Brad is watching you overcome what no mother should have to. Hugs to you Sheila.

  80. Thinking of you. Take care.

  81. I think of you every day. Especially today. Please know that. **hugs**

  82. I’m glad you are here. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  83. I love that pic of you and Justin. He would have wanted you to continue embracing life. Living it to the fullest even if you need to cry every day. Big hugs and baci to you.

  84. I am glad to see you back. I cannot imagine your pain and sorrow which must be intensified on Mother’s Day. I continue each day to lift you and your family in prayer.

  85. You are amazing…and strong. While I’m sure Justin is missing you as much as you miss him, he is also looking down on you with pride and happiness that you will carry on with what makes you happy. One day at a time, Sheila. ❤

  86. Welcome back. I’m so sorry for your loss. Let us know if we can do anything!

  87. My heart hurts reading your words. I hope they get easier for you to write, and that books continue to provide you with some sort of reprieve. (I have always just lurked here, read, but today I thought I would write a few words.)

  88. Oh Sheila…I’m so glad that you will continue to be here, but I am still so sad that you have to deal with this loss. You’re a very strong woman. I’ve been thinking of you over the past few weeks and hoping that you would return to the blog. Your happy spirit always makes my day a little brighter. I hope that your heart will continue to heal. Like so many others who have commented here, I send you e-hugs and love.

  89. Sheila, as a mother of two sons close in age to yours, I can not even imagine the pain you are experiencing and what you have been through this past month. It is good to hear from you and to hear you determined to move forward – as you are able to – and live life the way your son would have wanted.

    I have thought of you constantly in the past month and I will continue to. As you move forward, I hope that you can be comforted by memories of the good times you spent together…and by your books as well.

    Sue

  90. You must be a very strong person to have managed to get through this horrendous time. I can’t begin to even think how you have got through the last month.

  91. I was able to start reading after our loss, but movies and tv shows were filled with too many possibilities for an unexpected scene or phrase that would put us right back to Day #1 in our grief. Fathers loving their daughters. Sons loving their mothers. A death. A birth. A wedding (that father-daughter dance is the worst!). Not being able to prepare ourselves for those landmines, we chose to stop watching tv for many, many months. You do what you can do and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to return to the old normal. This is a long, hard road. You can do it, but be gentle with yourself.

  92. I completely understand how books are carrying you parts of your grief. They have been my refuge as well during some very trying times. I wish your family peace in this difficult time. Thank you for all you do for the book world.

  93. Sheila – you are still in our prayers. I am glad to hear that you continue to live life out loud and that you continue to read and write.

  94. Don’t know what to say, Book Journey. You’re amazing.

  95. Sheila, this was so beautiful yet so paimful to read, and I don’t even really know your or your son. I can’t imagine your pain, but hope each day you are able to smile more than cry and rejoice in some happier times.

  96. I just want you to know I think of you daily, and my heart aches for you. I’m glad reading is something you’ve been able to pick up again. xo

%d bloggers like this: