Checking in. At 31 days since the accident, life has taken on a new normal. I cry every day, yet every day I wake up and wonder if this will be the day I have no tears left. Every day to this point I have had more than enough tears. I have been surrounded with friends and family from morning to night and that has brought me through many HARD days. At this point I am trying not to lean so heavily on these amazing people who come to sit with me, text me, message me, or bring me coffee or provide dinner for my family or encourage me to go out for a walk or a bike ride. I am learning ever so cautiously to stand in this new world breathing this unfamiliar air and trying (trying trying trying) to imagine a world without the amazing light and love of Justin.
Quite honestly…. I don’t like it.
Which brings me to my point today. I can not sit and watch TV. My mind will not settle into the story line and something will leave me unsettled – a laugh in a comedy, a family… a pregnant woman. However, I have found that over the last couple of weeks I have been able to settle my mind into a book which does not surprise me. Through the tragedies of my life – it has been books I have always been able to turn to for escape and release of the pain of the real world. So slowly I am reading when I go to bed at 7 pm because I am done with what the day has to offer and I don’t know what else to do, I pick up a book and I read a little each night. I will write reviews because I love to talk about books. As easy as it would be to stop doing all the things I used to do I know that would make Justin very sad.
I always referred to him as the male version of me. If it was fun, unique, and crazy – we would encourage each other to do it. He loved that I lived life the way I did. I have to remember that. I will continue Book Journey. I imagine that my morning posts will become hopefully lighter than this one. I know I am changed forever and that will reflect on how I write, for better of for worse. That kid though, he is worth every bit of pain I am going through right now. I love him so much… and for that reason. I will continue to live life out loud. He would have wanted me to stay that way.
I am still here.