I woke up this morning at our cabin on the North Shore.
It is weird to be in Minnesota now… I have not been in Minnesota on this date for 5 years….
This is the time of my annual trip with Justin to Florida. We went three years in a row, 2012, 2013, 2014…. last year, I went with my friend Amy to Arizona during these dates… and this year…
I felt I needed to do this alone.
So here I am. At the cabin…. drenched in his memory… signs of him everywhere…. a note on the refrigerator, his entries in the guest books… the memories… the ginger ale bottle… and this – makes me cry but I want to share this with you… and for me as well.
It was August 2014 and Wine and Words had just ended and Justin and I were taking our annual weekend trip here to the cabin as we did after every Wine and Words. We stopped in Duluth at Grandma’s Restaurant to have lunch. We were sitting up at the bar, myself exhausted from the planning of W & W as I always am afterwards, and looking forward to a fun two days with my son.
The bartender walked by us carrying a little bottle of Scwheppes Ginger Ale to deliver to a customer sitting down from us. Justin stopped talking, stared at the bottle of Ginger Ale and said, “Oh my God…. delicious!”
I have no idea why – perhaps the over tired version of me, perhaps the atmosphere, honestly it may have been the Bloody Mary we each had with lunch… but I thought that was the funniest thing ever. I started laughing so hard I cried. Justin just stared at me and started laughing too. I could not stop – I could not catch my breath and I just repeated what he had said, “Oh my God, delicious.” and we would both burst into laughter again.
Justin of course, had to have one… and that little bottle has sat in the window sill of the cabin kitchen since that day. We kept it as a memory… and you do know I love memories…..
This morning. I picked up the bottle… I unscrew the top and breathed in the faint scent of Ginger Ale….
remembering the laughter….
remembering the weekend….
trying to breathe it directly into my heart forever….
It is a hard day.
I brought my bike in the event it is warm enough for me to bike today. I feel as though I need to do something to honor this date, this crazy date that is filled with sunny memories of Harry Potter world, bonding with my son year after year, Justin’s tattoo on November 2nd 2014 to commemorate our trip… mine now that matches his….
I am thankful. Every day. I know I know I know I was lucky to have him as long as I did….
I knew these days would be hard.., I knew I had to get away and grieve.. and do what a broken mom does as she tries so desperately hard to put together the broken pieces and make some sort of mosaic version of who I was and who I am supposed to be.
Still here. Still moving forward one step at a time. celebrating us, remembering us…. ALWAYS.
17 thoughts on “Morning Meanderings… Not The Same”
Those special memories do bring the tears…and then the smiles. Thanks for sharing.
I’m so glad you’re able to remember that you were lucky to have him. The two of you truly had a special bond.
There’s an acceptance in your demeanor in that picture Sheila. One Day at a Time hun
Your ginger ale story brought tears to my eyes, but the memories are precious.
❤ ❤ ❤
What lovely memories. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing your stories of Justin, your memories, your joy and sorrow. God bless you on your journey.
My comment is quite similar to Laurel-Rain’s. Your beautiful memories bring tears… and then smiles. Sending you hugs, Sheila. ❤
Oh, my gosh! This made me weep, as I know part of the healing begins when the good memories start taking hold.
Tears run down my face and I know mine are only a shimmering shadow of yours. Thoughts, prayers and love with you, dear oxox
Ah, makes my heart ache. Such special memories though.
Hope you can find peace here.
Sheila, I have been following you and your story of losing your son since your first post. Your strength and ability to share what you’ve been through in such a poignant and beautiful way has touched me more deeply than I can express.
I’m crying real tears for you as I type. I’m so glad you have those memories, although I know it must be so hard. Just know that your posts teach me to cherish those moments and I will never take for granted one minute with my sons. Sending you hugs. ❤
You had a special relationship with your son, and your memories of him are a wonderful treasure to take out and look at when you need them most. Hugs and best wishes to you today and always….