I am here.
Holy smokes I never planned that hiatus. This summer has had an odd feel to it – not necessarily bad, but like I am moving in slow motion and things I need to get done… takes a lot longer than it used to.
My diagnosis of myself is… I think last year I ran so hard so fast to stay ahead of the grief. I kept going, doing, blogging, events… and then winter came… and I slowed down. I had time to grieve and deal head on with the depression that I was out running. There are crazy attributes to depression. Low energy, lack of interest in outside things, and a desire to just stay home. All of these attributes are still somewhat true and I fight them daily. Yes I can get out and do things – and I am fighting through… but it a new and long journey still for me.
I still cry daily…. I prefer to stay home and there are days I do not leave the house. I am trying hard to break that habit. And most days I write posts in my head that never make it to this site and I miss that very much. My reading and audio are down… I miss that as well. But know this – I am trying and I want to be back.
So – whats new and happening?
Well…next week is Wine and Words (EEP!!!) Today my big focus is detail work for that event. I am working much with our Library which is always good and I enjoy being a part of that community. Last week I helped with a Harry Potter event to celebrate the new book, Harry Potter and The Cursed Child. The kids worked on trivia, coloring sheets, and we made HP glasses out of pipe cleaner (because that is how cool we are) and then we all watched the first movie. That part was hard as this was Justin and my thing… and darn it all JK for coming up with another book that I know he and I would be chatting so excitedly about.
And because I promised you burnt pop tarts…
As a kid I LOVED pop tarts… but then they went and ruined them by frosting them. Anyone else agree? YUCK! I loved the plain old pop tart filled with strawberry or blueberry goodness and then recently – HUZZAH our grocery store started selling a strawberry one without frosting!!!
SO now to my next confession…. I don’t use a toaster enough to justify the counter space. My kitchen is not huge and that counter property is precious. I don’t like appliances sitting around that I rarely use…. (yes yes there is a coffee pot – don’t go crazy on me…lol). Anyway, I use my over to toast the pop tarts. turn it on low and set in on the grate, prep my coffee – and POP TART!!!! Except a few days ago – the tart fell off the grate and to the bottom of my over onto the heating coil where I son saw flames in my oven…. oh good grief 😉 LOL Maybe… just maybe… its time to get a toaster again. ;0
Have a good day all.
Book Journey 
Reblogged this on barbstakeonlife and commented:
I really enjoyed this post!
Sheila,
Hi! I can definitely understand the depression and grief that you kept try to run away from. I did it when my brother died when he was 21 and I was 24. Though, it took me a bit shorter time to begin the bawling ~2 months. I ended up in counseling for a year, and believe me it helped.
This is why I like EU ovens – we have the elements in the top of the oven over here, not the bottom! My mum has a similar story that involves living in Canada and goose fat…. LOL.
Depression is tricky, but it sounds like you’re headed in the right direction and there’s no manual out there that gives us a time limit for grief. Everything happens in its own time. Just make sure you remember to try to love new things (like books!), as the bigger your heart gets, the less lonely you’ll feel.
Big hugs honey! xx
I’m so glad you’re fighting to get back Sheila. I cannot imagine how difficult it is.
I don’t like appliances on my counter either, so we keep our toaster in a cupboard. By the way, it was given to us when we got married 37 years ago and it still works!
Great to hear from you – been missing you and your posts but know you are a heroine to the core and are moving through this difficult period with courage. Yes, time to get a new toaster. Must see if we have pop tarts ehre.
Sheila, I was thinking of you on and off all day today while reading HP, wondering how you were handling it. I don’t know if you’ve read it yet. I put up a blog post about the launch the other night (https://writersideup.com/2016/08/01/up-the-harry-potter-clock-strikes-midnight/) and after finishing THE GRAVEYARD BOOK yesterday, once I put the post up, I tried to start reading THE CURSED CHILD. I got in about 30 pages before I passed out, but I’m up to 229 now and will definitely finish it tonight. I’m sure it’s difficult for you, but I hope you can enjoy it ’cause it’s fantastic, in my opinion!
You’ll get there, woman. You’re doing exceptionally well, I think 🙂 oxox
The fact that you want to work through the grief is huge, Sheila. My family has been where you are ((hugs)).
I also use the oven (broiler) to toast, lol. I learned the hard way to set a timer… And count me among those who didn’t appreciate frosting on a pop tart!
Um, yes, the frosting is so gross! I prefer the plain ones, too! I never even look because like you… no toaster here! But now I am tempted. lol
On a lighter note, I adore unfrosted strawberry poptarts!! The only frosted kind I like are the brown sugar cinnamon ones, but I seek out those unfrosted strawberry ones. Lightly toasted with a bit of butter rubbed into the crust…mmm…And we dont’ keep a toaster at all, but a toaster oven! Toaster ovens are my very favorite thing in the world! 😀
On a heavier note, I would never presume to know how you feel exactly, but it sounds very similar to how I was moving and feeling last fall. I didn’t have a death in the family, but something else that caused extreme grief, and I spent a year running and hiding and trying to just survive, and then it all crashed down on me, and I went through something that I could only call deferred grief. Our situations aren’t the same, but I wanted to pass you a link to a post I wrote nearly a year ago when I was going through this. It may not be the same, but I think I understand enough, and for me, knowing someone else can understand enough is helpful. If that’s the same for you, if you can find any comfort in that, please read it, and if you’d like to talk, I’m here any time. And if that’s NOT something that helps you, definitely feel free to skip away from this link altogether. I’m not putting it out here to try to plug my blog or something stupid like that. I’m just hoping that I might be a little helpful. *hugs* https://thezenleaf.com/2015/09/30/wellness-wednesday-5-deferred/
I think your ability to do all that you manage to do with your grief still so heavy is amazing. Grief (and the depression I can’t help but think always accompanies it) is something so personal and there are many one to handle it and yet, at at the same time, only one way – your way.
Oh my, I’ve never met anybody else who preferred the unfrosted pop tarts, and here you are and some of your commenters! My people!
I’m sorry that you’re not able to outrun your depression. I’ve run that race a few times myself during various life events, and eventually had to stop running in order to catch my breath and let depression catch up with me. I always have a hard time accepting it, but when I slowed down and let depression walk with me for awhile, it has always gotten better.
My thoughts are with you.
I like poptarts sans frosting, too. {{hugs}}
I’ve been thinking about you and your word for the year event. I hope you continue to push on and time will soften your sorrow.
Hi, Sheila! I’ve been away on a trip–to Japan–but am back now. I agree about the pop tart issue. I, too,love the plain, unfrosted fruit pop tarts, although I don’t eat them much anymore. The frosted ones always hurt my teeth.
Thank you for your honest post. Your honesty and strength are always evident. Healing takes time. Sending hugs your way!
Okay, so I’m laughing at your burned pop tart. I’m telling you, it’s not just you this summer — the oppressive heat has affected everyone. So glad you found the strength to do your wine and words and celebrate the JK Rowling. Hugs, my friend.
I don’t eat pop tarts, but I love burnt toast. It’s good you are forcing yourself to go out from time to time, but it’s okay to stay in when you really don’t want to get out among people. Follow your heart. I have an old friend who lost his son a year after we lost Greg. One of his friends posted that he lost his son 33 years ago and still has huge cries. We have to allow ourselves to have our feelings and not worry about not getting things done or go out. Do you still have my phone number? If you ever want to call and cry or talk about Justin, I am here for you. Huge hugs.
Sheila, I think of you often and hope that one day you can smile again. I cannot imagine your pain. I think you need a new toaster. I agree on the clear counter rule. Not worth a fire and that pain though. Have a good day.