Sitting here this morning with COFFEE CUP close by. I have been up for HOURS but that is nothing new. I finished a book this morning, cleaned my kitchen, started laundry, cleaned the deck furniture, cleaned out the fridge. I helped my husband pick up the empty boxes in the garage. I cleaned up all the papers on my kitchen table, the cards I need to still enter into my spreadsheet.
“Be kind to yourself” is the repeated mantra I hear from friends and family. SO often I am told this I have to look around and wonder…
how?
Life does not stop for my grief. I still have commitments and even though I take on a reduced role, I still feel for whatever reason (right or wrong) that I need to function at some level. I helped at this past weekends Children’s Book Sale. I had two meetings for the library and coming up the next two days I am going to try to help out at camp. Each time I do these things it costs me. Each time I hold it together while in a public setting or trying to handle my normal things… once I am alone I lose control.
Life does not stop for my grief.
All I think I can do right now is remind those that I am on committees/boards with is to please understand that I am nowhere near 100%. At times I think I can look like I am but inside my heart is racing like a scared rabbit. Please please please by kind to my heart. Please please please understand I am so broken and can’t handle being pushed. I can get things done. I can function. Just let me move at my own pace for now.
As I type this I wonder why I am saying this here. You probably were looking for some bookish topic and instead you picked up on my head ramblings like a radio that was moved to the wrong station.
I am unbelievably sad. Even when I smile and carry on what appears to be a normal conversation please know that it is taking everything I have to hold it together. Some day soon I will put a message like this on Facebook. Maybe today. I don’t know.
Anyhoo… books. Still listening to Out Of Orange on audio. I finished The Lost Recipe For Happiness this morning and if all goes as planned (plans…. ) I will have a review up today.
Next up I am vacuuming ans shampooing carpets. If the weather holds I will mow my lawn a bit. This afternoon some great gals and EXCELLENT friends are coming over to my home for a little book event on Dorthea Benton Frank’s new book, All The Single Ladies. It’s a small gathering of people who “get me”. I am hopeful to enjoy a couple of hours of relaxing with friends. I am still working on doing small things as I can.
Enjoy your Sunday everyone. One of these days soon I will start posting the Monday What Are You Reading again.
Book Journey 
Thinking of you <3.
Thank you Cass! Miss seeing you!
You are right to ask others to be understanding. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that everything you are feeling is normal. “Move at your own pace” is the right mantra. And, yes, tears do help. It just takes a while.
Thank you Lisa
In all honesty, Sheila, I follow your blog for interaction with you, not the book talk so much. I do think you need to put this on facebook or anywhere else you think people will see this—the ones that need to know. The people you interact with in your life—especially your actual life, not this online one. People would want to know this and you NEED them to know. If they see “normal,” they will think you’re doing well and will go about things with that impression. Let them know this because you’re still participating in “life” in ways you’ve always been involved with. It’s good that you are because you don’t want to be completely lost in your grief directly, though it’s always underlying, even when you’re pulled into conversation and tasks that require brain power.
It’s good you are keeping busy at home because it doesn’t involve so much interaction and you can do it at your own pace, for the most part. I pray the heaviness of it all begins to lighten, Sheila. Hugs from afar oxox
Thanks Donna.
Hopefully, most people understand and will respect your need for your own pace…if you let them know that. To me, it sounds as though you are doing a lot…still. I am glad you are enjoying some books.
After reading your thoughts on Out of Orange, I downloaded it as an e-book. I am also looking forward to reading the new Dorothea Benton Frank book.
I am starting Dorthy’s new book tonight. 🙂
Sheila, your own pace is pretty remarkable–you are doing so much, and helping many. Maybe it’s also helpful to you to be so productive and involved at this time. I hope so. My thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you. I hope your book event today is lovely.
Thanks Suko
I’m sure it’s hard to get out of bed every day so you should congratulate yourself on each and every accomplishment.
So far… I have been able to do that Kathy. Thank you for your kindness.
🌞HUGS! 🌞
Thank you Betty
You are fragile and that’s OK. And don’t even worry about posting book stuff here. No one and I mean no one is bothered if you write about your feelings and your life. It’s why we are here – the books are great – but, we care about you, Sheila. Take such good care of yourself. Such good care. Hugs.
Thanks Kay.
Yes… what Kay just said. Thinking of you every day.
Thank you.
I have come to love and respect you during the 2 years or so I have been reading your blog. I think it’s important for you to have a place where you are free to tell how you are really feeling and not worry about putting on a proper face. I want to read whatever it is you feel like writing at that moment in time.
Thanks you Dorothy. I appreciate your kind words.
I know for months I couldn’t understand why the world was still moving, why things didn’t just grind to a stop. You are doing a lot Sheila. I don’t know, maybe being kind to yourself is not feeling pressured for doing things at your own pace, for doing whatever you feel you can do each day, whether that be getting out of bed or keeping up with commitments. I care about ‘you’, post whatever you like. Warm hugs xx
Thanks Sheree, I think maybe you are right. I tend to put pressure on myself to help out where I feel I should but at the same time I am too tired out to do it. I am trying to get to the point I can say – you know what… its not going to get done in the way we had planned and that is ok.
Exactly…
oxox
Do not hesitate to let people know exactly where you are for that day, hour or minute. If they love you, they will understand!!! The DBF book looks very enjoyable.
Thanks Nise I am trying to do more of that.
Hugs, my friend. Don’t do more than you are comfortable doing. Don’t worry about when, where, or how much you cry. There were days I wondered if I would ever be able to stop. Right now your pain is raw, unfathomably deep, is tearing your heart apart. Time won’t heal, after all, how can it? But in time, you will learn to live with this terrible hole in your heart. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing. It is a long slow process to get to a point where you go a day without crying, where you can think of Justin and the first thing that comes to mind is something funny or goofy that he did. My dear friend, you are not alone in your grief. There are many of us like you who have lost a child, who understand what you are going through, and everyone of us know the deep abyss you are painstakingly climbing back from. You are not alone. Sending you my love, prayers, and hugs.
Thank you. I know I am not alone… it just hurts so bad.
I know.
Sounds like fun. ENJOY Dorothea’s book. I hope your gathering was a good one.
HUGS, and thinking of you always.
Elizabeth
This was so eloquently written, Sheila – such a poignant, honest description of grief. I am so sorry you are in so much pain – I can’t even imagine. I think about you all the time. Glad to hear you are making tiny steps back toward a normal life, even though it will be a new normal now.
Thinking of you and missing you – thank you for sharing such raw and honest feelings.
Sue
I’m sending hugs and prayers.
Just wanted you to know I’m out here listening, and caring. I’m very moved by your words.